Bilbo's Misadventures: Dain, Meet Mistress Baggins
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: Dain arrives to the Lonely Mountain soon, expecting Thorin to be searching for a bride or already married. If he is not, Dain intends to offer up a dwarf lady for Thorins wife. Thorin has to make up a plan to please his cousin without forfeiting Bilbo's companionship. Things are going to get interesting! R&R please!
1. Chapter 1

**Bilbo's Misadventures: Dain, Meet Mistress Baggins...**

All the dwarfs living under the Lonely Mountain were gathered together in the great hall. Thorin had called for a meeting, and his people were ready and willing to listen to whatever their king had to say. Thorin stood in front of his loyal dwarfs, eyeing them all carefully as his mind worked on how he wanted to begin his speech.

Bilbo was standing in the crowd of dwarfs, waiting anxiously for his favorite companion to explain his idea. As much as Bilbo tried persuading Thorin to let out his thoughts, the king was determined to speak of it only when everyone was summoned.

Excited, curious dwarfs were lightly discussing with one another about what the king might possibly have in store for them all. Fili and Kili were now among the group, Fili wearing Gandalf's hat like a prized trophy. Bilbo spotted the naughty, young dwarfs and went over to confiscate the stolen object.

"Gandalf was _very_ upset because of your behavior!" Bilbo scolded both young dwarfs as he jerked the hat off Fili's head and proceeded to smack the fellow upside the noggin with it repeatedly.

"Naughty, _naughty_ dwarf!" Bilbo shamed the blond haired nephew, and then proceeded to smack around Kili with the large sized hat.

"You've a lot to explain yourself, _Kili_, after your uncle is done speaking! He heard from Gandalf that you've been sneaking around the mountain with an elf maiden from Mirkwood!" Bilbo paused his slapping and smacking to see if the fellow had anything to say about the matter.

"Uncle _knows_?" Kili stuttered, his hands on instinct went to shield his rump in expecting a rough spanking from the hot tempered king.

"I suggest you play it straight with Thorin, lying will not help you with this matter involving an elf." Bilbo rambled off his opinion, his attention turning as everyone heard Thorin clear his voice, meaning he was ready to begin.

"I have been informed by our wizard friend that we will soon have a visitor to our mountain. Dain, son for Nain and lord of the Iron Hills, is going to be our guest." He paused and waited out the hooting and hollering that came with this information. "My cousin comes to check up on myself and our kingdom, he also ventures here to see if your king has been searching for a bride. He had made it clear to Gandalf that if I do not have a bride, and do not intend to look for one, he will personally supply our kingdom with a lady dwarf to sit by my side. He does this, supposedly, because he wishes for my lineage to prosper. I for one am pleased with the current line of succession in place, and care not for settling down with some strange dwarf."

"But Thorin, if you don't want the dwarf Dain will offer you, who will you get to be your betrothed?" Balin called anxiously to his friend and king.

"We will give him what he wants. I intend to be engaged by the time he arrives, my bride to be is already amongst you." His words excited the group, but also slightly confused them as well. As far as they could tell, no females were within the mountain, who could he be talking about?

"I choose, Bilbo Baggins." At these words, everyone began arguing, reminding the king that Dain would not see them as a married couple, that the dwarf thought very unkindly to dwarf males seeking comfort from other dwarf males, undoubtedly the same would go for a Hobbit male courting Thorin.

"Quiet! I realize this, that is why Bilbo from the time Dain arrives, will be treated as a female hobbit. Changing his name will only cause you dunderheads to screw up, so you will continue to call the hobbit by his given name, but as Mistress Baggins." Everyone looked about each other uncertainly, Bilbo's face was tomato red as he listened to this crazy ploy to fool the visiting Dain.

"Fili, Kili, you've dressed Bilbo up before, I'm counting on you two to help the hobbit look the part. A few changes are required, though. His hair is long enough that I don't believe a wig is necessary, and this time instead of fruit underneath his dress, I want you two to work on something more convincing. An undergarment the hobbit can wear with real padding, that way nothing can slip or fall out and give away the truth. I need dwarfs out in town searching for hobbit sized dresses, we'll need a few different ones in case Dain stays a long while. From this point on you all need to start talking to Bilbo like a female, so that you'll be ready for Dain when he arrives. This is our task, dwarfs, are you with me?!" He demanded to the uncertain looking faces before him.

"I said, are you with me?!" He yelled louder, getting a moderate cheer of yes from the edgy looking dwarfs.

"Now start getting things together!" Thorin barked and every dwarf started moving off to either find dresses that might fit Bilbo, or drown their unease away with ale.

Bilbo marched up to the king, Gandalf's hat still clutched in his hand, and smacked the dwarf upside the head with his gray object.

"Are you mad? This will never work, Thorin! I'm a male hobbit, he's bound to see through all this!" Bilbo fumed, upset that he was put into such a ludicrous ploy.

"Would you rather I invite war with my cousin by refusing to marry a female dwarf?" He asked of the other, taking away the hat before Bilbo could whack him again. "I'm positive this will work Bilbo, have some faith in your king." He took his free hand and cupped the little fellows reddened cheeks.

"But Thorin! We'll be playing the part of a to be married couple! He'll undoubtedly expect us to be physical around one another and it will be expected that I sleep in your...chambers." He blushed more at speaking the last word, making the dwarf smile at such a cute display.

"You seemed able to share a bed with me rather well in Rivendell, little one." He carefully whispered to the other, watching Bilbo fidget shyly.

"We weren't in front of all your friends though, Thorin! What if I get...bashful?" He asked, embarrassed.

Thorin released his hold on Bilbo's cheek and wrapped him into a big bear hug. "Then we'll just have to start practicing around the mountain right away, my hobbit friend." He teased Bilbo, finding the hobbits behavior amusing as he looked around for any eyes upon them.

"I can't believe we're really going to attempt this." Bilbo sighed in exasperation.

"As if you haven't done crazier things than this..." Thorin said, unwrapping his arms from the hobbit and then quickly giving the fellow a sharp smack on the arse.

"Well, chop chop, Bilbo! We have a lot of practicing to do!" He smirked as the hobbit gasped and held his bum protectively.

"You're just loving this, aren't you?!" He hissed at the playful looking dwarf.

"You have no idea how much." Was Thorin's cheeky answer.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: Making this a chapter story, too much is going to happen for just a short tale. Dain, in this hobbit universe, does not approve of same gender mingling. I will say that due to the battle of the five armies, Dain had heard of Bilbo but wasn't introduced. He'll make mention that he had thought the burglar had been a male hobbit, but assumes he was mistaken. That's how it will make any of this silliness possible. Get ready for some humor and Baghinshield romance as we enter the Dain chapters...


	2. Chapter 2

Dain was not a jolly dwarf, not the type of fellow you hung around to joke with. He was a very assertive, domineering chap that enjoyed battle like a wee babe enjoyed it's mothers milk. When there wasn't a battle to be had, he trained. Exercising often yet still his weight was rather heavy, for the portion sizes he chose during meals were by no means small, nor were they healthy. He outweighed his cousin Thorin a good sixty pounds or so, his height about the same as the king under the mountain.

It may seem wrong, but during the battle of five armies, Dain had truly thought his weaker, younger cousin would have perished in battle, along with his half-witted nephews. Yet to his surprise, they had all made it through. Truth be told, old Ironfoot had wanted the chance at ruling the Lonely Mountain. After all, if all three of his kin had died, he would have succeeded the kingdom. But it was not meant to be, so it seemed. Dain had gone back to his Iron Hills and continued his life there, wondering and wanting the other kingdom with a greed not unlike Thror when he went crazy with gold lust.

As he thought more and more on the matter, a scheme most dastardly came to his mind. Thorin was without a wife, and Dain knew his kin well enough that he doubted the other was in search of a lover to share the kingdom with. So, what if he were to offer a dwarf lady to marry the lonely king? He'd have to except, it'd be rude and taken as an insult if he didn't.

What the blasted oaf wouldn't know was that the dwarf lady would already be carrying a bastard child, Dain's child. Though Thorin of course would assume it was his, and if something were to unfortunately happen to Thorin, well... Then Dain would admit the dwarf lady had bedded him before Thorin and claim all rights to the Lonely Mountain! It was fool proof! He'd get that kingdom, all he had left to do now was visit his cousin and start his master plan.

-0-0-

"I feel ridiculous." Bilbo sighed as he stared into a full length mirror at himself. He was shoved into a lavender colored dress, with an undergarment around his chest that made it look like the hobbit was large breasted. His face was getting pampered with color as inexperienced dwarfs started applying make-up thickly, making his face itch as they put on the strange concoctions.

"I feel like a jester wearing all this paint!" He complained to the nephews that were treating him like a life sized doll.

"It's fine, Bilbo! You'll be the pretties hobbit in all of the kingdom." Kili tried complimenting the annoyed friend.

"As far as I know, I'm the _only_ hobbit in all of your kingdom..." He retorted back, finding that talking only made their work hurt him accidentally, poking him in the eye with the odd looking assortment of applying devices, smudging lip color and cursing as it happened, taking a wet finger and cleaning Bilbo's face impolitely.

"Hold still, Bilbo! We're nearly done!" Fili insisted of the somewhat fidgety hobbit.

"How is my hobbit faring?" Came the newly arrived voice of the curious king, Bilbo seeing Thorin's reflection in the mirror and smiling lightly. He wasn't greatly thrilled by this new adventure, but was warmed by the reason behind it. Thorin wasn't interested in sharing his life with a dwarf lady that his cousin would bring for him if he wasn't betrothed. He was doing this because he cared for Bilbo, and wasn't about to wed anyone else when he just now admitted to his hobbit companion that he had feelings for him.

"I think Bilbo doesn't need all that make-up, the hobbit looks fine without it." Thorin informed his tisking and grumbling nephews. Picking up a clean cloth, the king walked up to his hobbit, and gently began to wipe away the excessive color that adorned his face.

"Fili, Kili, give us a moment, will you?" He spoke gently, his hands carefully rubbing the companions cheeks, cleaning them with a kindness like a mother would have to her messy faced child.

Grumbling lightly the young dwarfs left the room, leaving the dwarf king alone with his lightly shaking hobbit.

"Why Bilbo, you're shaking, little hobbit. What causes you to quiver so?" He casually asked, taking the cloth and wiping at the colored lips with the finesse of an artist working on a masterpiece. His light touches and comforting strokes were the cause of Bilbos shivers, his heart beating rather rapidly as the king wiped the last bit of color from Bilbo's smooth lips.

Slowly, teasingly so, the dwarf moved close to the little ones mouth, holding Bilbos cheek as he leaned in to tenderly place a kiss on the trembling lips of his hobbit. Pulling back satisfied at the starry eyed look his companion held at the simple act of affection.

"You're a terrible, _terrible_ tease Thorin Oakenshield. I don't know whether I should be miffed at you or throw myself willingly into those damnable arms of yours." Bilbo spoke his words in a soft, whispery tone.

"It's not my fault your hobbit heart is so easy to fluster, little one." His smile was ornery as Thorin began to explore the dress Bilbo had on.

"I like it, this dress. Though I think Fili and Kili graced you with too much of a bust. It's rather fake looking due to the sheer size." He commented, taking both hands and honking the fake boobs playfully.

"You look positively silly doing that, you know I can't feel a damn thing." Bilbo tisked at his kings behavior, watching with unimpressed eyes as Thorin played around goofily with the fake breasts.

"Why did you really come to see me, I doubt it was to do this." Bilbo gestured at the kings manners, the dwarfs being an ass and biting the fake boob attached to Bilbo. He looked up from his chomping position and stopped his rambunctious act. Straightening up to gaze at the hobbit in a more serious manner.

"Scouts have reported that Dain is only a day away. I wanted to tell you that information myself. Lately with everything going on we haven't seen much of one another and I needed to see how you were adjusting."

Bilbo rolled his eyes lightly, "I'm as adjusted as I'm going to get, pretending to be a female in front of your cousin will be challenging, but not impossible. Are you ready, Thorin?" He asked, concerned for the others welfare.

"I'm ready as I'll ever be, _Mistress_ Baggins. I just hope the others don't mess anything up and use words like _him_ instead of _her_." He confided to the other.

"We'll see it through, no turning back now." Bilbo remarked, straightening his messed up breasts as he spoke.

"Indeed, little hobbit, and I wouldn't have it any other way." Thorin huskily spoke, pulling the other suddenly towards him and passionately placing his mouth against Bilbos.

Thorin was taking his hand and inching up the hobbits dress when the door started knocking, surprising both companions as they hurriedly let go of each other.

"Thorin?" Balin's voice called from the opposite side of the door.

"I'm here, Balin, come inside." The king spoke towards the door, Balin opening it and walking up to the companions with an urgent look on his face.

"It's Dain, he's marched here faster than expected, he'll be at our doors by this evening. What do we do now, Thorin?" Balin asked of his leader.

"We prepare for a feast this evening in Dain's honor. Set up everything we'll need in the dining hall and have Bomber know we're expecting more guests. How many travel with him?"

"Two dozen dwarfs march with your cousin. A light number, though it's not as if he marches to battle." Balin commented, Thorin nodding his head in understanding.

"Start preparing, Balin. I'll be down shortly to help." He watched as the elder dwarf hurried away to get things started.

"Well Bilbo, we've no time to alter your feminine front, I'll just have to deal with your monstrous amount of cleavage." The dwarf joked lightly with the other, knowing his hobbit was undoubtedly feeling nervous.

"What if he objects? I'm still not a dwarf." Bilbo worriedly asked his friend.

"I'll deal with that if he's an issue with it, so long as you're female, he should be fine with the marriage." Thorins words made his hobbit blush easily, the term had quite an effect on little Bilbo.

"I'm frightened, Thorin." The hobbit admitted willingly to his companion.

"Don't be, I'll be right there with you the whole time." Thorin assured him, holding the hobbit protectively in his arms before letting him go. "I have to get myself ready, I'll send in the boys to get a fancier dress on you. See you at dinner, my sweet." He used the pet name playfully, but Bilbo's little heart raced at hearing Thorin speak so affectionately. He received a quick peck of the forehead before Thorin departed, leaving Bilbo flushed and anxious to get this scam over and done with.

-0-0-

Dain entered the Lonely Mountain with his small troop of dwarfs, warmly welcomed by the inhabitants as he made his way towards the awaiting king. The cousins shook hands and hugged each other in a manly fashion as the trivial part of his visit commenced. Small talk of "how have you been" and "what brings you here" started the innate questions.

"Can't a dwarf visit his kin without having to have a reason?" Dain spoke offhandedly as he was lead towards the warm and inviting dinning hall. Food and ale a plenty awaited the guest of honor, every dwarf seating and talking excitedly to one another. Thorin had the guest sit on his left side, the right seat sat strangely empty as if awaiting an unseated person of interest.

Dain took note of this seat but thought nothing too important of it. Talking to Thorin of their journey and how they had cleaved and clobbered a large raiding party of orcs. After his small retelling of their bloody battle, the dwarf decided to bring up the real matter for his visit.

"I've been thinking, Thorin. You're all alone in your ruling of Erebor, no queen to stand at your side to help manage duties and more importantly, provide you with a direct heir." Dain began, Thorin politely listening, not evening showing signs of agitation with surprised the other.

"I come to you with a friendly offering. I wish to present you with a dwarf wife from my Iron Hills, I've sent her to stay in Dale at the off chance you've already taken a bride. Which seeing that empty chair, I imagine you still are undoubtedly a bachelor king." He gestured to the empty seat, noticing that Thorin was still cool in his attitude. Uncommon from a dwarf known for his hot headed nature.

"Actually, Dain, you'll have to send that lady dwarf away. I've already given my heart to another." These words from Thorin took some time to register with Dain. His eyes blinking rapidly as he processed this unwelcome news.

"You don't say? Where is the lucky maiden to win such a stubborn dwarfs affections?" Dain finally spoke, trying to recalculate this new development. Perhaps Thorin was jesting...

"She's getting ready to meet you, she should be arriving shortly." The king confided with the other, looking towards the hall entrance expectedly.

-0-0-

"I'm not putting my feet in those binding, ugly looking monstrosities! Hobbits don't wear such things, we like our toes to breath in fresh air, not smother them in leathery sweat boxes!" Bilbo shouted to the nephews who were demanding the poor creature wear boots to the dinner.

"Uncle expects you to wear them! He thinks it will make things run smoother with your feet hidden in boots." Fili tried once again to reason with the outraged hobbit.

"Never! You'll have to hog tie me before I shove my toes into that nasty looking pair of boots!" He began to hop and run away from the chasing dwarfs, his outfit giving him trouble moving.

The dressed up Bilbo was wearing a fancy, emerald green dress that had a high collar on it, trimmed with golden embroidery. The long sleeves were made of a see through material and colored a light beige. Thorin had demanded the nephews also place a heavy, sparkling emerald necklace around the hobbits neck, so that it'd look like the king doted on Bilbo. Between the awkward weight of the necklace and the strangeness of wearing a dress, the fleeing hobbit was easily caught and his legs were firmly held down as the boys began to shove the soft leather boots onto Bilbo's hairy, big feet.

"I'll never forgive you for this!" He howled as he felt his feet become trapped in the abomination known as boots. Once on, the nephews made Bilbo walk around the room to get use to the new foot apparel. He wasn't very graceful, as he flopped about like a cat wearing sacks on his paws. His teeth grinding in irritation at the foolishness of it all.

"Alright, Bilbo. We need to get going." Kili informed the unhappy fellow, Fili taking the lead as the group made their way down and towards the dining hall.

At the entrance, Bilbo was left alone, the nephews going in beforehand so that Bilbo could make a grand entrance.

With a sigh to steady his nerves, the hobbit put on a forced, happy grin and began entering the hall. Dwarfs stopped their yapping to gaze as the dolled up hobbit walked carefully towards the head of the table. Thorins smiling face gave Bilbo courage as he continued his way forward. Feet trying to move gently, yet making a funny flopping sound as he moved closer and closer to his soon to be "husband".

Thorin stood as Bilbo neared, reaching out a hand for Bilbo to take. The hobbit gently took his companions hand and flushed as Thorin kissed it regally.

"Dain, I'd like you to meet Mistress Baggins, my bride to be." Thorin introduced the dwarf to Bilbo. Dain eyed the hobbit carefully, obviously noticing the "lass" had no beard. Yet also realizing by Bilbo's ears that "she" wasn't human either.

"And what race does your betrothed belong to, Thorin?" The curious guest asked.

"She is a hobbit. This was our burglar that we used to get back the stone. We fell for one another and just recently announced our intentions to get married." Thorin explained, wrapping an arm around Bilbo's waist as he explained.

"Ah, funny. The way you talked, I always assumed your hobbit had been a male." Dain chuckled, taking Bilbo's hand and kissing it sloppily."A pleasure to meet you, Mistress Baggins. I look forward to knowing you better during my stay here in the mountain." He suavely spoke his words, calculating eyes coming up with a back up plan as the three took their seats to eat.

-0-0-

The Hobbit Belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien


	3. Chapter 3

"So tell me, Mistress Baggins, how did you ever fall for such a hot tempered dwarf like Thorin?" Dain offhandedly questioned the hobbit, watching the lass eat gingerly at her meal of roasted meats and bread.

Pausing, the hobbit took a moment to consider how to answer their guest.

"I like my dwarfs fiery on the outside and soft in the middle." The hobbit spoke in a light teasing manner, glancing at Thorin with a gentle smile.

"He _is_ flabbier than last time we met. Been too busy courting your hobbit to make time for training, eh Thorin?" He spoke in a sort of unkind manner, Thorin frowning at Dain and puffing out his chest proudly.

"I'm not flabby, by _Durin_, I'll have you know I'm in the best shape of my life!" He informed the visiting cousin rather tersely.

"A simple jest, Thorin." Dain waived it off, looking over the hobbit curiously as the lass started pecking at her meal again. His probing eyes noticing how plump her front was and started appreciating that aspect.

Thorin was keen to notice his cousins ogling, his frown earlier from the _flabby_ comment, now deepened. He knew Bilbo was wearing fake breasts, but the rude manner of Dain's staring was driving the king bonkers!

A light touch against his hand made Thorin's anger pause, his eyes taking in the hobbit's palm clasping the others. Bilbo certainly had a calming effect on the king when he needed it. No sense in having a hissy fit over Dain's roaming eyes when the hobbit was perfectly safe next to Thorin. He'd be damned before he let his cousin get Bilbo alone, with eyeing behavior like that who knows what the dwarf might be thinking!

Thorin wasn't too off in his assumption. Dain was considering the feasibility of bedding the hobbit so that he might procreate with the lass and invest his future rule under the mountain. He'd have to spend some time here to wait out any defensive behavior Thorin might have, wait for his grand moment to scoop up the wee one and plant his seed. Who knows, maybe she'd bed willingly, Dain did consider himself the charming, handsome type of dwarf. If not, there were always other ways of getting a lass loose. Time would tell what option he'd take while visiting his unsuspecting kin...

-0-0-

"What of your wedding plans? With Mistress Baggins you'll have to forfeit some of the dwarfish traditions usually done during the ceremony." Dain commented, Bilbo looking up from "her" meal with a curious expression.

"What kind of dwarfish traditions?" The hobbit asked of the visitor, never having been to a dwarf weeding personally.

"Well, little one, the first that comes to mind that you'll be unable to do, is the Braiding of Beards. It's when a dwarf man and woman braid their beards together and walk up and down a good amount of steps repeating the words "May our beards bind us in holy matrimony, and may our paths always intertwine." "

Bilbo imagined two dwarfs arguing and fighting as one walked faster than the other, pulling the others beard. That along with the thought of some unfortunate dwarf getting dragged to death by his beard due to a hard headed and spirited partner not noticing the others fall. Bilbo started laughing at his imaginary scenes, coming off lightly rude as Thorin took a booted foot and stomped on the others, making the hobbit 'yipe' and quit the impolite display of laughter.

"Kili can't marry any dwarf for years to come cause he hasn't _got_ anything to braid with!" Fili loudly mentioned to the large group if eating dwarfs, making everyone smile and chuckle as the offended Kili began smacking at his brother.

This scene eased any offense Dain might have had against Bilbo's laughing. The dwarf going on to speak of other dwarf traditions.

"I remember my wedding." Gloin spoke up over the conversing guest and Bilbo. "My beloved carried her battle axe up to the dwarf uniting us just in case I decided to back out of our ceremony, the silly woman!" He chuckled heartily at the memory. "I think my favorite part was the dwarfish Dance of Unity we performed after the vows were made. She had such a strong stride to her steps!" He commented, Bilbo inquiring what entailed the Dance of Unity.

"It's a tricky, dwarfish two step you learn before the ceremony so that you get it right on your wedding day. I fine tradition that I don't see why you'd have any problem performing it, hobbit lass." Dain commented, Thorin rolling his eyes at the idea.

"Why so keen to talk about ceremony traditions when we've only just been engaged?" Thorin asked tiredly of his visitor, what'd he expect, the wedding to happen while he visited?

"I just was curious, I didn't think you'd keep your sweet little hobbit waiting for years to get the marriage over and done with. Long engagements are so terribly droll, you love her, don't you?" He asked, eyeing Thorin and the hobbit.

"Of course I care for my hobbit." He huffed, wrapping an arm around Bilbo's shoulders.

"I didn't say care, I asked if you loved her." Dain was insistent in his wording.

"I love Mistress Baggins." He said in a different kind of tone, a lightly uneasy one at saying something like that out loud. Bilbo's cheeks were glowing at the term love, a warm smile playing at the hobbits lips.

"Then why not be married while I'm visiting? I could even conduct the ceremony if you like." He offered, Balin stood at hearing their conversation and informed the Ironfoot dwarf that he already had the uniting position filled.

"So you've already picked a dwarf to marry you? Then what's the need for pause, Thorin?" Dain was being assertive with his questioning, making the king feel pushed into a corner.

"I will marry her when her dress is finished, she has a very detailed gown that is taking some time getting finished. I wanted her happy and so we've waited till the dress is complete." He came up with the lie, feeling in charge once more.

"Ah, how kind. Then I will just wait along with you until it is finished. I wouldn't dream of missing such an occasion." Dain decided, making it clear he wasn't going anywhere until the two lovebirds were bound in holy matrimony.

-0-0-

After a long evening of dining and feasting, the couple retreated to the comfort of Thorin's chambers. As soon as the doors were shut, Bilbo was on his arse, pulling at the bothersome boots and freeing his angry, sweaty feet.

"I can't believe you demanded I wear boots! The insensitive nature of such a cruel request! There's a reason I've never worn anything on my feet!" He griped to the curiously watching dwarf.

"If you were a real lady, that position would be considered very impolite and on the verge of provocative, Bilbo." Thorin commented, watching the hobbit realize just how his little body was positioned, his legs were in the air, and his dress was pulled back, showing off his bare rump to the amused king.

Quickly the hobbit righted himself, the dress falling back down nicely to hide his lower half. Awkwardly he coughed as the dwarf continued to stare with an amused smirk on his face.

"And what of this wedding nonsense your cousin keeps insisting about?" Bilbo started off with another topic, uneasy at his companions stare turning lustily.

"We'll figure it out, Bilbo. I wasn't impressed with your laughing fit during Dain's talk of our traditions. Whatever is so _damn_ amusing about dwarfs braiding their beards together?" He demanded of the other.

Bilbo smiled again at the silly thought of dwarfs doing such a goofy tradition, "I just thought it funny, Thorin. I don't take beard traditions as seriously as you lot, because I haven't got one." He defended his stance on the matter. Thorin rolled his eyes at the hobbit, moving in closer and starting to fuss over the dress.

"What are you doing, that tickles!" Bilbo tried moving away by the dwarf had a firm grip now on the fellow, his large hands trying to remove the garment and finding the buttons annoying in their smallness. The hobbit giggled as Thorins fingers worked over the button area on his dress, finally opening up the material and letting it slide off the hobbits body.

Little bilbo looked rather silly wearing just the fake boobs as his king eyed the hobbit like a horny teenager.

"Why Bilbo, why weren't you wearing trousers under that dress?" He inquired, taking his hands and working on the only undergarment Bilbo had on.

"It made the dress look _funny_, so I went all natural..." He blushed furiously as the king completely undressed him.

"Well, I should put on my nightshirt...," the hobbit made to walk over to the wardrobe, but found himself pulled into Thorins strong arms.

"I think not." He looked into Bilbo's eyes with a fiery passion. The weak willed hobbit relaxing in his hold and agreeably letting Thorin carry the naked creature towards the awaiting bed. "We need to put on a good show, after all. If Dain hears us really going at it instead of complete silence, his belief that you're a female will be unbreakable. _Moan_ for me, little hobbit, as loud as you can, our courtship _depends_ on it." He spoke suavely to the now starry eyed hobbit as he placed Bilbo carefully on the large bed.

"And if the other dwarfs hear as well?" He half heartedly asked. Thorin kissed Bilbo tenderly on the lips before answering.

"Let them think what they will, they know we're pretending to be lovers after all."

"I'm not so sure how much '_pretending_' is really going on anymore." Bilbo teased lightly, the king beginning to strip in front of the fellow with an ornery smile on his bearded face. An engaged couple they may be impersonating, but there wasn't any pretending involved with Thorin's hunger for affection with Bilbo upon his bed.

They thoroughly convinced Dain that night that Bilbo was indeed Thorin's female lover, their loud vocals reaching the other bed chambers. Some dwarfs that lived under the mountain assumed it was all for show, while a few others knew better...

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing the previous chapters! I'm excited to get going on Dain's sneaky, impolite wooing of Bilbo and how the hobbit handles such advances.


	4. Chapter 4

Ever sleep with a dwarf that tossed and turned all night long? Neither had Bilbo till he shared the kings own bed, in Rivendell the dwarf hadn't moved about so chaotically while slumbering. His bedtime behavior in his own home was outlandish! Little Bilbo was popped in the noggin multiple times by Thorins swinging elbows, his body was pushed towards the edge of the bed constantly! But all that wasn't as bad as the rolling, the hobbit got rolled over by the king at least three times that he was awake for! Thorins weight crushing him like a bug as he flopped over Bilbo sleepily. When morning came the hobbit was bruised and ruffled, his eyes slightly red from not sleeping well with all the nighttime activity.

Thorin awoke happy and refreshed, assuming the bruises Bilbo had were from lovemaking. Bilbo took a whiff of himself and could smell the very strong odor of dwarf on his body. With their guest about the mountain, Bilbo thought it would be polite to not walk around smelling of the deeds they had done last evening.

Stiffly, the hobbit got out of bed, his muscles and bones lightly aching. Thorin merely smirked, thinking his ferocious lovemaking the cause for Bilbos light limp and sore behavior. Bilbo didn't have the heart to inform the confident dwarf that his real reason for being weary was the dwarfs terrible nighttime tumblings.

"Thorin, I think I'm headed down to the hot springs to bathe, Dain knows nothing of the location and I don't need him peeking at me when I'm suppose to have lady parts." The hobbit said to his rising companion. Bilbo reached the wardrobe and found a simple looking dress to wear down to the springs, remembering to put on his specially made undergarment before sliding on the gray colored dress.

"I've things to take care of with all our guests here. When you're done bathing, I want Kili and Fili to act as your escorts, Bilbo. My cousin had an odd eye on you and I rather not tempt fate and have him discover your gender by less than courteous means." The king informed his surprised looking friend. Dressing in his tunic and trousers as Bilbo tisked and made silly annoyed noises.

"Fine, I'll deal with them following me like a baby needing watched, but I'm not wearing those _damn_ boots again! I'm placing my hobbit foot down on that matter!" He crossed his arms, stomped one hairy foot and stared down the unamused king.

"If Dain starts _laughing_ or making _comments_ about your feet, don't come _crying_ to me!" Thorin harrumphed as he began to move past his hobbit and towards the door.

"I'm not ashamed of my feet, _Thorin_! Though you certainly _act_ like I should be!" Bilbo accused of the other, speaking to a dwarf that wasn't interested in hearing the others opinion.

Feeling lightly pissed at Thorins nonchalant behavior, the hobbit started marching his way towards the hot springs, his body still sore as he traveled the halls. Dwarfs would pass the hobbit and give a friendly wave, the annoyed fellow ground out a hello and continued onward, not interested in being chummy with anyone.

-0-0-

Dain was eating breakfast when his cousin Thorin found and greeted him. When asked where the lovely hobbit was, the king offhandedly spoke of hobbits taking forever to primp themselves. The kin ate together, talking of battles past, of their younger years and life as it once was when Thorin had been a wandering dwarf without his kingdom.

"It must be different, having your kingdom back to take care of. How have you been fairing with trade from the local town of Dale?" Dain asked, the other gulping down bacon before answering.

"It's been challenging, but the Dale folk know that we have a lot to offer, being a mutual trade partner was the easy part, getting prices low enough for my liking...That's another matter entirely." Thorin confided, the guest nodding his head in understanding.

"What of the game around here, is the hunting any good? Perhaps we could take out some ponies and see who can catch the most meat." Dain spoke his idea, always up for a challenge, especially against his cousin. He enjoyed shoving his athletic abilities in Thorin's face; having prowess in more than just battle, the dwarf was a multi-talented fellow. Irking the king by being better at almost everything was a miniature hobby of Dains.

"A hunting adventure, eh? I would be interested in such an event. Eat your fill and I will have some fresh ponies saddled and ready for our excursion." Thorin stood from his seat to go about his task, leaving Dain alone to finish his meal.

-0-0-

"Affectionate one minute then grumpy the next, that dwarf is going to be the death of me!" Bilbo grumbled to himself, bathing in the privacy of the hot springs.

Thorin was worried about the hobbit receiving advances from his cousin, which Bilbo thought was silly of the king, that he was being overprotective. His nephews didn't have to watch over Bilbo like a child, Bilbo had slain orcs and giant spiders and all sorts of nasty things. Holding off an interested dwarf was child's play. Yet here he was, finishing up bathing as the boys waited outside the entrance.

With a frustrated sigh to himself, the hobbit got out of the warm waters and started drying off. As he dried himself, he could barely hear the two young dwarfs arguing with each other over something. Carefully he moved closer, trying to eavesdrop on the conversation.

"You're going to get in trouble, Kili! Uncle already knows and with everything going on, Dain doesn't need to accidentally find you with her. It'd cause uncle Thorin all kinds of trouble!" Fili urgently spoke towards his brother.

"I'm sneaky, and so is she! It was just a small visit, Fili, we'll be careful." Kili insisted, down playing the situation.

"Kili, you know uncle won't stand by this courtship. It's only a matter of time before he finally says something to you. After Dain leaves he's sure to have a very stern talking with you."

"I don't care, Fili! I care for her, like uncle cares for Bilbo. He's not with a dwarf, so why should I have to be?" Kili argued.

Bilbos footsteps were heard, causing the two to drop their conversation and call out to the hobbit.

"Almost ready!" Bilbo spoke, rushing off towards where he kept his dress to put it on quickly.

Bilbo went to his escorts, fully dressed and ready for the day. The group moved towards the kitchens where breakfast awaited them, the hobbits stomach rumbling in hunger as they grew closer and closer.

Upon entering the kitchens, Bilbo's eyes started to search for his companion Thorin, not finding the dwarf anywhere.

"If you're looking for Thorin, he and Dain just left to go hunting around the mountain on horseback." Bofur spoke towards his friend, knowing how fond the hobbit was of their king and wanting to ease the little ones worry.

"Hunting? What kind of creatures do they intend to harvest?" Bilbo inquired, taking a seat and beginning to dish himself up a plate of eggs. Bofur shrugged his shoulders in reply.

"Rabbits, deer, perhaps? Either way it gets Dain out of the mountain and you some breathing room, eh Bilbo?" Bofur chuckled, elbowing the hobbit playfully.

"I hope they're careful out there." The cross dressed hobbit spoke uneasily, no matter how much Thorin annoyed him, he would always care enough to worry about the hard headed dwarf.

-0-0-

Cursing and grumbling to himself, the annoyed king beneath the mountain was having a rough time spying game. Before he could reach most of the animals he did notice, Dain was already there, clobbering the stupid creatures to death and then hanging them on his saddle with the rest of his little 'trophies'.

Thorin had three rabbits, and a doe deer strapped down to his saddle. The only game he had been able to reach before his cousin. It was a wimpy amount, compared to Dain.

His superior acting kin had downed a huge buck, had slaughtered countless rabbits, he'd taken out four pheasants, two red foxes, and just recently he had stabbed to death a very large, male wolf. Needless to say, his pony was carrying quite a bit of weight now. The creature walking slower than when they first started their little adventure.

To even come close to beating his cousin, the king would have to locate and take out a bear, and Thorin didn't know if he felt that froggy. He wasn't one to lose a match well, his attitude sore whenever the occasion occurred. Grudgingly he kept an eye pealed for any sign of giant footprints, wondering if there was even a bear den close by.

"Have a look here!" Called his cousin, the king maneuvering his pony closer to the pointing Dain. His finger was pointed at a very large pile of dung.

"Know what that is?"

"Shit." Thorin replied coldly.

"Not just shit, but bear shit. We should have a look around those caves over there." Dain nodded up, gesturing towards caves the king hasn't noticed before.

Together they moved their mounts up towards the awaiting caves, dismounting a ways away in case the creature tore out and ripped at the prized animals. With careful steps they went closer, peeking their heads into the first cave and listening carefully. After a few moments of hearing no sound, they entered the shadowy cave and found it unoccupied.

"What's our plan?"

"Divide, and conquer, Thorin. I'll take the end cave, and you take the middle one. May the best dwarf win!" Dain chuckled confidently as he carried himself eagerly outside the empty cave to check out the end one.

Taking a deep breath, the dwarf mentally began preparing himself for the possibility of encountering a bear. Sword in hand, his legs hauled his ass out of the empty cave and into the next one that no dwarf had entered yet.

The darkness was making it hard for Thorin to make out much of anything, so he started using his ears and nose to search for any creature within. Nothing stirred or stank within the area, his heart sinking at the thought of not bagging the large animal. He just hated losing against his blasted cousin!

Looking into the darkness one last time, a strange, sniffing caught his attention from behind, towards the entrance. With a skilled hand, he turned and threw his sword into the unknown animal, the sound of flesh slicing and a loud thunk from the giant animal falling down made the dwarf smile victorious. He neared it, the thing still a bit blurred from shadows, and his eyes turned round with concern as he began identifying the downed creature.

It was none other than the great elk that the king of Mirkwood rode about where ever he went! How in blazes had that damn creature ventured so far from home, Thorin would never know. He knew one thing though, he was in deep trouble if the elf king ever found out! He also knew for certain that Dain was going to have to admit defeat after seeing this prized trophy!

"Dain, I think you should see this!" Thorin called, exiting the cave and looking towards the direction his kin had gone.

The Dwarf was standing on a very large, very hairy, and very dead bear. It's paws the size of dinner plates, the thing was incredibly massive! With a gaping jaw, Thorin stared dumbly at his cousin's kill.

"Oh, there ya are! I think the game is over, Thorin. My pony can barely take me back as it is, we'll have to bring back more dwarfs and ponies to take this beast to the mountain." Dain spoke with an ease that constant winners had about them, his mannerisms cool and collected, though his arms were scarred and bleeding still from his battle with the creature.

"What was it you wanted me to see?" Dain asked, stepping off his mound of fur and walking up to the slowly regaining composure dwarf.

"A giant elk, the same one the king of Mirkwood rode, I believe. It appears we both have trophies to haul out with more company." Thorin commented, trying to act like any of this "getting the most game" stuff mattered little.

"Ah, that's nice, better luck next time, eh Thorin?" Dain smirked and patted the other on the back, enjoying the kings face turning sour.

-0-0-

"Gandalf's beard! Is that ...? Is that what I think it is?!" Bilbo gasped as he watched a group of dwarfs haul in the giant, dead elk.

"Thorin, isn't that Thranduil's pet?!" Bilbo asked with a look of pure horror on his face at the once graceful and beautiful thing, now dead and flopping about as it was carried.

"Thranduil must never know, Bilbo. We'll cook the meat and hide the antlers deep within the mountain. The creature will just keep on being a missing mount." Thorin tersely insisted, eyeing the shocked hobbit with a determined look on his serious face.

"What did it ever do to you?!" Bilbo demanded, outraged at Thorins behavior in killing the innocent thing the elf king so treasured.

"He surprised me, _damn it_! I thought he might have been a bear about to attack, Bilbo! It was an honest mistake, but there's no fixing him and sending him back, now is there?!" Thorin admitted his deed angrily to his companion, demanding what the hobbit thought he should do in this sticky situation.

"I suppose you're right, we can't _heal_ him. But still, we're going to eat the thing? How would _you_ feel if Thranduil killed _Minty_ by accident and decided to eat _her_ for supper?"

"Don't you _dare_ speak of such horrors! Not another _word_ out of your hobbit mouth, Bilbo! Up to our room with you, I've had enough of your bleeding heart routine!" He pointed an angry finger, telling his quietly listening nephews to escort the disagreeable hobbit to Thorins chambers. Bilbo fussed and whined as the young dwarfs began to physically move the little one off, the hobbit furiously spouting that Thorin and his fight wasn't over by a long shot.

"Women, they can be so emotional over dead things..." Thorin lamely tried smoothing over the scene Dain had undoubtedly watched.

"You'd not find that a problem with a _proper_ dwarf wife." Dain cooly replied, walking past Thorin to go brag to the other dwarfs about his many kills.

"I really _hate_ that dwarf..." Thorin growled to himself, wishing for the showy dwarf to hurry up and leave his mountain and his hobbit alone.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: Hope you liked the length of this chapter. Thorin is not enjoying his cousin's visit thus far, think Thranduil will eventually find out what happened to his beloved, missing elk? More on the way shortly! Review and let me know how you're enjoying the story thus far.


	5. Chapter 5

Bilbo was not pleased with his kingly companion, saying little during dinner and careful not to eat what he knew was elk meat. Thorin's ease at doing such a dead, slaughtering Mirkwood's kingly mount and eating it for dinner, bothered the hobbit. Accident or not, the hobbit still felt the act wrong.

Thorin tried making small talk but his companion would have none of that, humphing and tisking towards the dwarf in any response he gave. When the time for rest came, Bilbo was fully clothed, and hugged against the corner of his side of the large bed.

"Now hobbit, I've told you before that it was an accident, besides, you can't give me the cold shoulder in bed. We have to keep up appearances, don't we?" Thorin tried touching the cranky companion, and received a sharp smack.

"I refuse to give into your dwarfish desires, Thorin!" Bilbo insisted, eyeing the other warningly.

"But Bilbo, we're suppose to act like a couple."

"Well, _Thorin_, I guess it's time we show Dain how much of a _couple_ we are by fighting. Get out!" The hobbit pointed to the door.

"What? This is nonsense! It's _my_ bedchamber!"

"And as your _betrothed_, I have a right to kick your pushy, ornery ass out! And tonight is most certainly a night that I don't wish to deal with your handsy manners. Not after being _abandoned_ all day while you go play who's the better dwarf, killing creatures left and right while I sat here, bored and worrying!" Bilbo loudly expressed his frustrated and hurt feelings to the wide eyed dwarf.

"You go on about wanting to _parade_ me in front of your cousin and wind up _leaving_ me in the dust! Well, _Thorin_, how about I leave you out in the cold all night, see how _you_ like being _excluded_?" He pushed up from the bed and started herding the bewildered looking king out of his own bedroom.

"Good night, Thorin Oakenshield!" The hobbit yelled angrily as Thorin's door was slammed into the dwarf's face, the king now out in the halls, getting curious looks from passing dwarfs.

"Bilbo, you let me in this _instant_!" Thorin banged his mighty fists against the door.

"I said, _good night_!" The hobbit hollered through the door, determined in his tone towards the king.

"Bilbo!" He paused, looking around to make sure any other dwarfs were not listening in or watching, seeing none, he started to sweet talk the stubborn companion.

"Bilbo," he spoke quieter to the door, pressing his face very close to the wood, "Bilbo, I _promise_ not to touch you tonight, don't let me sleep out here in the hall. I will be a complete _gentledwarf_ with you if you'll only give me a chance." He waited, ear now pressed against the wood of the door, listening to the hobbit breathing, and muttering curses under his breath.

"_One chance_, Thorin. Any funny business and you're out for good this night!" Bilbo made himself very clear as he gingerly opened the door.

His dwarfish friend had a calm, cool look about his face as he entered the chamber. His steps lead him to the wardrobe, seeming to be preparing nightclothes...which was odd, since the fellow usually slept nude. Maybe he was trying to satisfy Bilbo by taking the precaution of wearing clothes so that his probing appendage wouldn't wander in angry hobbit territory.

With a shrug of his wee shoulders, Bilbo turned for the bed, snuggling under the covers and left a candle going so that the king could make his way to the mattress. Tired, frustrated eyes began closing as he felt the slight sway of the bed, indicating that Thorin was now beside him. So far the dwarf was keeping his hands to himself, which pleased the hobbit, until he started hearing strange, low sounds coming from the bedmate.

Try as he might, curiosity got the better of little Bilbo, as he sat up to look at the dwarfs form. It was rather dark, the king having already blown out the candle, so Bilbo decided to light his own that was next to his bedside. With a flick, the candle was burning, making the room glow lightly as he looked again over at the sounds Thorin was making.

Curious eyes turned to shocked ones as he eyed the dwarf "handling" himself. Thorin nonchalantly looked towards the hobbit, unashamed as he asked what was the matter.

"You're! You're...I can't believe you're doing that right next to me! Letting me nod off as you play openly with your Oakenshield!" He spoke, exasperated with the boldness of his king and companion.

"I'm not touching _you_, am I? You insisted I keep my hands to myself, and that's just what I'm doing, Bilbo." He innocently spoke, his hand still thoroughly going at it as he had this small conversation with master Baggins.

"I don't exactly appreciate you fooling around like that either! You'll get the bed all messy and if I'd accidentally rolled about in my sleep..."

To this statement, Thorin started laughing at Bilbo, finding the imagery hilarious.

"You're an _ass_, Thorin. Now stop that this instant!" The flustered hobbit demanded, finding the display distracting amongst other things...

"_Make me_." Thorin coyly stated, eyeing his bedmate with a raised brow and a flirty grin, his hand still working over his enlarged member.

"_Thorin_..." The hobbits teeth started grinding, looking at his teasing dwarf with lusting loath. He was determined to halt the ornery behaving dwarf, without giving into deeper, more primal desires and thoroughly helping him with his strokes. Not that it didn't pass through Bilbo's mind, yet his heart was still sore at being left behind and seeing the horror of that elk being dragged in.

"If you won't stop me, then just turn around and go to sleep. I'm sure I'll be done shortly." He gestured with his free hand for Bilbo to turn around.

"I warned you, Thorin. This behavior has pushed me to this..." Before Thorin could ask what "this" was, the hobbit maneuvered himself just so, and used his large feet and strong legs to propel Thorin off the bed and onto the cold floor.

It shocked him, the act had been so quick! Before he knew it, the Hobbit was pushing and shoving the taken aback king until he was standing naked in the hall.

"Good night Thorin, and good luck with _that_." Bilbo gestured towards the dwarfs proudly swollen Oakenshield, before shutting the door and locking it.

"Bilbo Baghins you let me in this instant!" Thorin began banging crazily against the door, his cheeks flushing at his open nudeness, praying no dwarfs passed by to see him so bare!

"You had your chance. If you don't like the hall, you can always use my old room. Either way you're not bedding _this_ hobbit tonight!" He chuckled through the door, making Thorin angrier by the second.

"I will get you back for this, hobbit! Just you wait and see!" He promised the despicable, laughing fiend behind his door.

"Till then, I suggest you start going, don't want _Dain_ to see you like this, now do you?" Bilbo said teasingly, Thorins eyes getting beadier as he cursed in dwarfish before shuffling off to hide in Bilbos old bedroom.

-0-0-

On his way down the hall, Thorin was carful to hide when any footsteps were heard, heading his way. So far he'd been lucky, not spotted by any roaming dwarfs. His ears picked up a door opening around the corner, quickly the king hid in a corner, next to a large potted plant. On edge, his hearing was very acute as he listened in on the conversation that began.

"We should be careful, your uncle has a lot to worry about with his kin visiting. Perhaps we should hold off our own visits until your guest is gone." And unknown, and surprisingly female voice spoke quietly, her voice soft and bell like to listen to.

"I don't want to stop seeing you. We've been careful enough, besides, I think Dain may be staying a long while. He wants to stay until uncle marries our hobbit friend, Bilbo." Kili's voice spoke up, his words made Thorin silently pray that his female visitor wasn't a damn _elf_! Willing Gandalf's claims to be wrong, Thorin continued to listen on.

"Why is it that your hobbit friend has to pretend he's female?" She asked of Kili, their steps growing nearer to Thorin.

"Dain doesn't agree with same gender relations, and uncle isn't interested in marrying a female dwarf, so he came up with the idea to use Bilbo as a fake bride. Though between you and me, I think uncle Thorin really likes putting on a show with Bilbo. Kissing and hugging openly to prove to Dain that he's in love, you can see it in his eyes, that he's enjoying it." To this conversation, Thorin accidentally made a sound of detest, the conversing couple pausing and listening for whoever made the noise.

"I should get going, sleep well, my handsome dwarf." There was a smooching sound, and then the sweeping form of an auburn haired she-elf appeared before Thorin. The king started counting to one hundred in his anger, trying to keep still due to his nakedness. When he did confront that elf, he'd be fully clothed! Quietly Thorin listened for Kili's door to shut, only leaving his position when he felt the dwarf lad was in bed.

Kili would have a lot to answer for! But all that could happen when Thorin wasn't naked, and throbbing, and trying to make it to Bilbo's old room. With a sigh of relief, the king entered the hobbits room, shutting the door and having privacy once more. Mischief grew inside Thorin as he eyed Bilbo's trinkets and other precious things.

With a naughty smirk, the pay back started to commence. Thorin began rubbing himself with the goal of soiling Bilbo's belongings with his seed. That would show the hobbit who had the last laugh around _this_ mountain! With a grunt of a mean chuckle, he started with master Baggins crocheting tools, not forgetting to dribble a few bits onto his current woolen project Bilbo had been working on.

"After all, I'm not touching anything." Thorin remarked out loud to himself, finding another object of Bilbos to spoil with his weeping Oakenshield.

-0-0-

Dain had heard their argument, both times waking to hear Thorin banging on his door, calling out to the miffed lass that he loved. The second time, Dain listened as Thorin started making his way away from the bedchambers. The hobbit maiden had fully kicked the king out for the evening, meaning the wee lass was very much alone and possibly in a vulnerable state of mind. With a huff, he righted his seated position, and moved his sturdily built body towards his bedroom mirror, checking on his appearance first. Ever the self assured fellow, he thought himself dashing and dapper as he ran a quick hand through his beard, then moved towards the door with a plan in mind.

He'd visit the hobbit and see if she wanted any comfort from an easy going, good looking dwarf. Dain adjusted his tunic and comfortable sleeping knickers, before taking a confident fist and knocking evenly on the hobbit's door. He waited with a understanding smile calculatedly put on his face.

"Who's there? And if it's Thorin, please leave!" The lass called towards the door.

"Little lass, it is I, Dain. I've come to make sure you're alright, I heard your argument with my cousin and wished to lend you an ear or shoulder if you've a need." He carefully chose his words, wanting access to that room.

"Oh, Dain. I'm alright, really. Just ready to rest my tired eyes for the night." Bilbo spoke cautiously through the door.

"Please, let me help you manage your anger by coming in and listening to your side of the argument." Dain pressed, pushing his ear against the door. "Perhaps a cup of something warm would ease your upset emotions? I could bring you some tea if you'd like?" That's it, woo her with drink, and slip in a bit of brandy to loosen the lass up!

"Tea does sound rather nice..." The lass sighed, the dwarf quickly assuring the other he'd be back with a kettle and two cups. Rushing his words before the hobbit could refuse.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.

A/N: While Thorins pumping away in his mini revenge against Bilbo, Dain is trying to gain access to Bilbos bedroom, what will happen once the conniving Dain gets inside? Will Thorin have to stop his naughty behavior and do something about his cousins advances? Thanks for the reviews and favorites! Will update soon with more of this crazy tale of cross dressing hobbits and plotting dwarf naughtiness.


	6. Chapter 6

Bilbo was feeling stressed as he waited uncertainly for Dain to return with tea. He was second guessing himself, thinking now that maybe he should have tried harder to insist with Dain that he didn't need companionship, why oh why had that damn dwarf mentioned tea? One of Bilbo's weaknesses, the warm, comforting liquid, with it's different confections to make it sweeter. How the hobbit enjoyed honey and a dab of milk in his cup of tea! If Dain was bound and determined to talk and sip tea together, the dwarf better be bringing extra fixings for the beverages...

He had made sure to put on his undergarment, and slipped into a plain, cream colored dress to deceive the dwarf when he came. As mad as he felt towards Thorin, Bilbo didn't intend to ruin the lie by coming out to Dain that he was in fact a male. Bilbo didn't want Thorin in that kinda trouble, along with the hobbits other feelings of possessiveness towards the king. It didn't sit right with Bilbo, imaging Thorin with anyone else, selfish as it may be, it was the truth of the matter.

Sitting cross legged on the bed's edge, the hobbit waited impatiently for the visiting dwarfs return, silently wondering how Thorin was managing that night. The revenge minded king had better not mess with his personal items, or there'd be Hell to pay if he did!

Before he could start worrying much about it, the hobbit heard a knock at his door.

"I've returned." Dain called, letting Bilbo know it wasn't Thorin knocking.

Standing from the bed, little Bilbo swiftly went to the door, unlocked it and opened up the room for Dain to enter.

"Here we are, some nice hot tea." Dain entered, setting down the tray with kettle and cups upon a small table. He'd also had taken the time to carry up with him milk, sugar, and honey. Quickly the dwarf started pouring tea, taking out a small bottle and slipping in a cup some strong brandy. The act unnoticed by the hobbit as Bilbo fiddled with his wrinkling dress.

Dain moved two chairs next to the table and helped seat the hobbit lass, watching excitedly as she added milk and honey before sipping the tampered with cup.

"Do you two argue often?" Dain began the conversation, noticing the question made the other blush and cough as if she'd choked a bit on her tea.

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Bilbo asked sarcastically, sipping his tea and trying hard to watch his tongue. It was hard not mouthing off about Thorin when he felt miffed.

"Couples have their ups and downs. What kind of arguments have you had in the past?" Dain asked casually.

Bilbo cleared his throat as he tried to think of how to answer nicely.

"Silly arguments over who's right and who's wrong. Thorin has the need to be right quite often." The hobbit finally spoke, taking the kettle and pouring in more tea.

"Right about what?" Dain persisted, wanting to keep the conversation going till the strong brandy effected the hobbit.

"Everything! From how to cast a fishing pole to what's important in the bedroom! He can be so damn pushy!" Bilbo let loose his pent up anger, blushing afterwords and lightly apologizing.

"It's alright, my dear. I know my cousin well, and he is a very hard dwarf to get along with. That's why I was so impressed with the lady he found, I thought to myself, 'she must put up with a lot of Hell from that dwarf'." At this, Bilbo chuckled, agreeing with the statement by nodding his head.

"I think he's lucky to have such a young and lovely wife." He complimented Bilbo, taking a bold hand and reaching out to pat the hobbits thigh.

When the dwarfs hand stayed there, Bilbo made a polite, coughing noise.

"You know, my dear, if you really wanted to get back at that dwarf, I've a few ideas in mind." He spoke huskily, slipping that snaking hand underneath the dress and feeling Bilbo's skin of his bare leg.

"I'd never dream of making him _that_ mad." Bilbo tried to move the others hand, the displeased dwarf reluctantly removing it.

"He doesn't have to know, _per say_. Just the act of doing it would make you know that he's getting pay back." He tried persuading her.

"I think you should leave, Dain." Bilbo attempted to stand, but the dwarf reached out with strong hands and kept the "lass" from rising.

"I care not if you wish for me to leave, little hobbit. The fact remains that Thorin is not here, and you are by no means able to stop me if I choose to have my way. Tell me, will you allow me to touch your young body willingly, or do I have to hold you down?" He calmly asked, his hands steady as he watched the lass try struggling.

"I swear, if you try _anything_ funny..."

"And what if I tell Thorin you came to _me_? Who do you think he'll believe, little one?" He inquired coyly, the lass shaking her head and rolling her eyes at the dwarf, causing him to raise a brow.

"My Thorin _knows_ better. I suggest you let go now, and _maybe_ I won't bother him with the fact that you tried bedding me. What do you say?"

"By my mother's beard, _why_ isn't the brandy _working_?! You should be tipsy by now at least!" Dain tisked, annoyed with the hobbits straight minded thinking. The alcohol should have kicked in by now!

"Brandy? You little, cheeky bastard! You were trying to weaken my resolve with that? That's it, I'm telling Thorin!" Bilbo wriggled and struggled, the dwarf holding on tightly. With a quick kick, the hobbit slammed his feet into the dwarfs seated privates, making the dwarf yell and clutch at his groin. It gave Bilbo enough time to move towards the door and start running down the hall.

"Hobbit!" He heard the dwarf bellow, feet pounding after Bilbo hurriedly as the cross dresser continued to make his way towards his old room.

-0-0-

"And that's the last book." Thorin smirked as he finished ruining the hobbits book collection, shaking off the last bit of stickiness. That was when the door burst open, surprising the naughty dwarf as Bilbo Baggins ran right for him.

"Thorin, _help_!" Bilbo cried, not noticing the naked dwarfs act and merely hiding behind Thorin defensively.

"Hobbit, what's gotten into you?" Thorin asked, surprised at the others actions.

"Dain, he's trying to seduce me!" Bilbo briefly explained, the words immediately making Thorin's blood boil.

"Did he touch you, Bilbo?" The king demanded, turning around and looking over his hobbit with concern.

"Yes, but not like you think. He held me down and started going on how you'd believe him instead of me after he bedded me, and...Thorin, why are you naked?" The hobbit eyed the other, just now realizing his companion was still nude.

"Never mind that, did Dain touch you enough that he figured out..."

"No, he didn't. He was right behind me, I don't understand why he hasn't reached the room yet." Bilbo spoke his concern, Thorin making the hobbit stay still as he peeked out the door and into the empty hall.

"He's not there. Maybe he knew you'd make it here and decided to flee to his room." Thorin let out a frustrated sigh as he ran through this messy situation, "Bilbo, I know what he did was wrong, but I can't risk _war_ against him. We're going to have to act very carefully over this, we can't afford to cause a scene with him. As much as I care for you and would see his head rolled, for now we have to act normal."

Thorin walked over and stroked Bilbo's cheek affectionately as he stared into his hobbits eyes with weariness, "As far as he knows, I might _not_ have believed you, so let's use that against him. Make him _think_ I don't believe you. From now on, Bilbo, I'm going to make sure he really can't get you alone. Even if we fight, you're stuck with me, little hobbit. Unless you want that bastard to bed you?" He sarcastically asked, Bilbo rolling his eyes at the idea.

"Thorin, why are my books out, have you been reading?" Bilbo had noticed the items taken from their shelves and opened up.

"Bilbo, don't touch that!" Too late, Bilbo reached his hand and felt his book sticky and wet.

-0-0-

After a _very_ long night, filled with mostly the dwarf and hobbit arguing, the king beneath the mountain arose with a plan to sneakily find out information on his cousin. That dwarf maiden came all this way to be Thorins bride in case he was unmarried, meaning that _possibly_ the Ironfoot dwarf had been planing all this marriage nonsense for some time. Maybe the lady knew of Dain's real reasons for pushing Thorin into marriage, either way, the king was going to find out.

Not wanting to involve himself directly with the lady dwarf, Thorin decided to send out a loyal dwarf he knew could woo a girl into speaking of private matters. Bofur had had a way with the ladies back in the day, his easy and fun loving attitude making the females amused and entertained. That, along with his music mastery, the dwarf was quite a charmer for almost any race of female.

After awaking, and making sure his nephews were going to guard Bilbo well, the king set out to find Bofur and have a private chat.

He found the dwarf eating breakfast, the cheery fellow greeting Thorin warmly as the king neared.

"Bofur, follow me, we need to talk." He calmly asked, looking around for any sign of his deceiving cousin.

"Alright, Thorin! Lead the way." The friendly fellow sat up and started following his king towards the stables, no one was currently inside the horsey area as Thorin pulled the dwarf inside Minty's stall to privately start his conversation.

"Bofur, there is treachery afoot with my visiting kin."

"By my beard, is that right?!" The other stared with a gaping mouth at the shocking statement.

"What I'm about to say, stays between you, me, and Minty." The mare, hearing her name gave a small snort as she nudged Thorins pocket for a treat.

"There you go." The king passed the kind animal a small lump of sugar before continuing his conversation with Bofur.

"Last evening, after the hobbit and I had a small bout, my cousin entered Bilbo's chambers and tried making an advance on our mutual friend. He barely got away and found me in his old room to find comfort and defense from the ballsy dwarf!" He ran through last nights events, leaving out a few embarrassing moments.

"Didn't you confront Dain?" Bofur curiously asked, wondering how in the world he fit into all this.

"That's just it, he never pursued Bilbo. I think he assumes I'll not believe the hobbit, and is trying to play the part of the victim. I believe we should attempt to get as much information as we can out of the lady dwarf he brought with him. Perhaps a skilled conversation maker like yourself could loosen any secrets she might know of cousin Dain's true reason for being here. I'm starting to not believe the whole 'heir' business he keeps flapping on about." Thorin spoke his concern to the other, Bofur feeling a light blush and smile on his face at the thought of wooing a female of his own race. It had been a long time since he'd last attempted conversation with a dwarf lass, it excited him to know that he was about to accept a mission of this nature.

"I'll go into Dale and find her, and work my way into asking about Dain's true intentions. You can count on me, Thorin!" The eager dwarf winked and saluted the leader, about to take off for his new adventure.

"Remember, no one must know what we're up to. Discreetness is extremely important, Bofur." Thorin reminded the other, getting an affirmative nod before letting the dwarf underling set off.

"Lets hope he gets us some answers, Minty. I don't like knowing only half of a story." He commented to his gentle pony, petting her smooth neck before exiting the stall, headed back towards the mountain and his untrustworthy guest...

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: I'll explain in the next chapter why Dain's brandy didn't work on the hobbit. Lots of funny situations headed our way! Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	7. Chapter 7

The town of Dale was as busy as ever, the dwarf Bofur sliding past groups of people, making his way towards the local inn. It was making his heart race, picturing the female dwarf. Perhaps she was a full bearded lass, with muscly legs that could crack a melon in less than two seconds? Or maybe she had a thin, wavy beard with innocent looking eyes, and enjoyed crafting more than warfare, making her muscles les defined and more willowy. So many possibilities! Bofur reckoned that most of the company hadn't see a dwarf lass since taking leave for their quest against Smaug, others possibly even longer! But soon, Bofur would be the first one to gaze and glow in her bearded majesty, her feminine charms familiar in a dwarfish kind of way.

His eager steps carried him inside the busy inn. The bottom floor had guests and locals eating at tables filled with food and drink, while the upper part held the bedrooms. Hawk like eyes started scouting for any sign of the she-dwarf within the dining area, his optical's coming up with zilch. He trotted over to the innkeeper and asked if the fellow knew where the dwarf guest might be. He used the neutral term, knowing that humans could hardly ever tell the difference between dwarf genders.

"Ah, _that_ one. You might check about the town, they're not in here." Was the business owners answer. With determined steps, Bofur exited the inn and started wandering around the busy streets of Dale, asking himself where he'd go if he were a female.

The jewelry shops held no curious dwarf lass looking at trinkets, and the blacksmiths had not seen a dwarf eyeing their wares, so with a frustrated sigh, Bofur sat in deep thought near the fountain that was placed in the middle of town. His furrowed brow rose curiously as he took notice of fellow dwarfs crowded around the fountain. They all seemed to be peeking at something or someone by the way they mumbled quietly to one another, pointing a finger from time to time.

"What's all this then?" His voice had frightened and surprised the easily spooked group. Dwarf heads turning and frowning at the curiously grinning Bofur.

Dwalin, Nori, Dori, and Ori were among this group, his companions and friends that were now eyeing him like he was an unwanted guest.

"We were in the middle of discussing who should go over first, and you interrupted our important conversation!" Ori tisked at the newly arrived Bofur.

"That's right! Not every day we get the chance to gaze upon such beauty. Thorin may be fine and good without having females in the mountain, but I for one get the urge for companionship within my own race." Dwalin spoke his desires to the confused looking Bofur. What were they going on about?

"Have a look." Dwalin moved over so that Bofur could see what they were talking about. It was her! The female dwarf! And all these dwarfs wanted to go up and speak with her. Well, if they were deciding who should go first, Bofur would volunteer!

"Watch and learn, boys. I'll show you how it's done!" Before any of the group could stop him, and they surly wanted to, Bofur started his way towards the seated lady. Her hair and beard were reddish-brown, the length of her beard shortish, and neatly braided. Her hair was twisted and pulled up in a fancy fashion atop her rather large head, sapphire earrings dangled from her ears as she munched at her lunch heartily.

"Excuse, my lady, my name is Bofur. I had heard there was a dwarf lass here in town, I'm pleased to see it wasn't just a rumor." He smiled and gave a little bow, the lady eyeing him uncertainly as she continued eating.

"May I sit with you?" He used good manners on her, the other shrugged her husky shoulders in an uncaring manner, Bofur happily sitting across from the dwarf beauty before him.

"Tell me, what brings you to Dale?" He tried making conversation, the lass continued to munch at her bread and cheese, not ready yet to speak with the other.

"You know, it's been many years since I've laid eyes on a dwarf lady."

"My name is Gerta, I milk the goats for Lord Dain in the Iron Hills." She spoke with a thick sounding accent, her beard crumbs were wiped at as she eyed the dwarf wearily. "Dain said for me to stay here, and wait. I'm to be Thorin Oakenshield's wife." She stated this as if it were fact.

"By my beard, has the Ironfoot not told you? Thorins already engaged to someone else. You're a free dwarf, lass."

"You lie! Lord Dain has already made Gerta...Gerta can not say. It is private." She stood up from her seated position, ready to leave.

"Wait, Gerta! You must be lonely here in town, do you want someone to keep you company for a little while? I can play a fun tune if you like music!" To this, he brought out a flute from his belt and began playing a jolly tune, noticing right away that the lass was tapping her booted foot to the music.

"That's it!" Bofurs tune was put off balance as Dwalin charged the preoccupied dwarf. Bofurs instrument flying from his grip as Dwalin started wrestling with the musically talented dwarf.

"You did this in the Blue Mountains too! I won't have the only female dwarf within one hundred miles taken with you and your stupid flute!" Dwalin growled angrily as they rolled about the area, getting shocked hollers from other people eating as they tipped over tables and chairs.

Gerta had watched where the lovely instrument had landed, and went to pick it up, treating it with care as she lifted it off the stone ground. Her eyes found the romping dwarfs, her temper blazing towards the mean male that had caused the pretty tune to abruptly halt. Setting down the flute carefully next to her personal items, the lass began marching up to the rolling two.

"Dwalin, this is madness! You're only making her like me better by being such a brute!" Bofur unwisely spoke out, getting another heavy fist from the hot headed warrior.

"She's the only lass around, and we don't need _you_ barging in and sweeping her off her feet without giving us a chance first!" He barked at the beginning to bruise Bofur, his attention on the task at hand, not prepared for what was about to happen.

"I need this, more than you do!" Dwalins words were followed by a sharp yelp, his side getting kicked in by what felt like horses hooves. The force hadn't completely knocked him off Bofur, and as he turned his balding head towards his offender, a huge boot came into contact with his face, nailing the dwarf hard enough that he bounced off Bofur and onto the stony ground.

Dwalin was seeing stars as he tried to uneasily get up, his group of friends coming to his aid as his vision cleared. What he saw made his blood boil!

Bofur was getting help up from the dwarf lass! She even was handing him his blasted flute back! Dwalin was about to match right back over to pommel the artsy fartsy dwarf, when he got a very mean, very serious glare from the lady. She took her fingers and pretended to slice at her neck, and then pointed to Dwalin. Her meaning was understood, as the group began to inch away slowly, fearful of the what they considered was a crazy dwarf lass.

"Come, you play more for Gerta at inn." She spoke towards the lightly beaten Bofur as she began to gently lead the smiling dwarf back to her room.

'_Music, it always works!_' Thought the dwarf as he successfully began to make his way up to the lady dwarfs room. What an adventure this was turning out to be!

-0-0-

"I feel it my duty to warn you, Thorin, that your sweet little hobbit isn't as sweet as you'd imagine. Last night I offered to console her after your little argument, and she started being very lewd towards me." Dain lied like it was the unmistakable truth, Thorin listening with a hidden contempt in his heart, wishing he could just call the bastard out and run him through with the nearest sword. He hated all this political nonsense that caused him to pause any harmful acts against Dain. Being king truly had its downside, the moment proving it.

"I let her down gently, but I felt you should know in case mixed versions of the truth started turning up." He stated his concern, the king sighing and shaking his head.

"Ah, women. They certainly know how to irk a dwarf, and how to keep him crawling back for more. I'll keep what you've said in mind, Dain, but I still intend on marrying Mistress Baggins." He informed his cousin, the Ironfoot dwarf nodding his head in understanding.

"Don't get me wrong, Thorin. I'd have bedded her had she belonged to any other dwarf. But you're my kin, I'd never do anything to harm our brotherly bond." He carefully worded his sentence, the king had a hard time not blatantly laughing at his cousin, obviously knowing better.

"Of course, now onto today's business. We need to go into Lake Town and get some very essential trade goods. I've already promised my hobbit companion that she can come along, Dain. Please don't let there be any awkwardness between you two, it is all water under the bridge for this dwarf." Thorin urged his cousin to act as if nothing happened, wanting to have a positive trip to Lakemen territory.

"Of course." Dain assured his kin, thinking privately that he'd enjoy teasing the hobbit when Thorin wasn't looking. This would be an interesting trip indeed...

-0-0-

"I hate riding." Bilbo complained as the little fellow was put on a pony, finding it awkward riding the beast in a dress.

"Hush, sweetie. You insisted you come with, so you'll just have to deal with a few miles of riding. We'll dismount before the lake and take a barge the rest of the way." Thorin informed his whiny companion. Keeping his pony and Bilbo's close to one another, making sure that Dain wasn't too near the uneasy rider.

"Why doesn't your betrothed like riding?" Dain asked half heartedly.

"Because she worries about falling off." Thorin sighed, annoyed at admitting the hobbit's silly worry. It wasn't as if Thorin ever put the inexperienced companion on a raunchy mount, he didn't want Bilbo breaking a leg anymore than the hobbit did. That's why Bilbo always rode the most easy going pony they had available.

"Pony height is still a long ways down for a hobbit." Bilbo added to the conversation, looking ahead and trying not to think about taking a fall from the tall creature.

"Ah, then I suppose the hobbit wouldn't enjoy a little cantering!" Dain took the opportunity to kick his mount into high gear, making it lope ahead and causing Thorins mount to lightly misbehave and follow its fellow pony. This action also caused Bilbo's pony to launch forward, scaring the hobbit as he held on for dear life. Thorin slowed down Minty and with a calculating hand, reached out in anticipation and grabbed Bilbo's reins as the pony zoomed forward, making Bilbo's mount stop its quick pace.

"Thank you, Thorin." Bilbo sighed with relief as he got control of his mount once more.

"Dain, do that again and I'll dismount you myself." Thorin growled irritatedly towards the chuckling cousin.

"Ah, I understand." He smirked, pleased with what he'd done to the spooky lass. That should've taught her a lesson for last nights events!

-0-0-

Bilbo had known that Dain mostly likely held a grudge against him, after all, the hobbit had told the dwarf he wasn't interested, but this business of being nasty by scaring Bilbo while riding, it was deplorable! He had figured that maybe Dain would ignore him, but it appeared the dwarf had other more mean spirited things in mind. Well fine then! Two could play his tricky little game! Once they got to Lake Town, Bilbo would start behaving ornery right back, and show that dwarf what for!

-0-0-

As they neared the barge, Thorin entered the floating object first, and Bilbo came aboard second. As Dain made his way over to step onto the barge, Bilbo took a quick, unnoticed foot and tripped the unprepared dwarf. With a loud wail of shock, old Ironfoot sank his large bodied self into the murky waters. Thorin looked over the edge to watch his cousin surface and growl out in indignation.

"You should really watch your step, Dain. Barges can be tricky things to board." Bilbo smiled cunningly at the flabbergasted and drenched dwarf.

Hurriedly he rose out of the water and climbed onto the vessel with barely held back anger in his beady eyes.

"A fact I will surly remember, little hobbit." He quivered out the words, his body chilled after getting wet from the lake waters.

As Dain was handed a wool blanket from the barge man, Thorin carefully took Bilbo aside to have a private word.

"What was that all about?" He whispered demandingly to his companion.

"Your cousin tripped, I don't know why you're badgering me about it." Bilbo shrugged, getting a very thorough look over from his companion and friend.

"I know mischief when I see it, Bilbo, especially from you." He quietly spoke to the pretending to be innocent looking hobbit. "I want you to behave, little hobbit, before things get too out of hand." He warned the now shrugging trickster.

"Whatever you say, Thorin." Bilbo willingly obliged, thinking the exact opposite as the uncertain looking dwarf kept eyeing Bilbo worriedly.

"I care for you, Bilbo. And if Dain decides to strike at you for further misbehaving nonsense, I'm afraid I might break his appendage for hurting you, but in doing so I may cause a bigger problem. So I'm asking you, to please think things through before playing any tricks on Dain." Thorin made his peace with the hobbit, and turned to make sure his kin was doing alright. As much as he distrusted and disliked Dain, it was his duty to keep up appearances while the kin visited. His heart truly wasn't in it as he saw how the drenched dwarf was doing.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien


	8. Chapter 8

That sassy, meddlesome hobbit! She was going to get a very _rough_ handling once he got his chance again to bed her! She'd find no gentleness in his lovemaking when the time came. He gritted his teeth as the wool blanket barely kept him warm. Thorins monotone voice only going in one ear and out the other. Dain was in no mood to speak with anyone, as the barge floated onward, taking them towards the smelly, fishy city of men.

As the barge man gently docked, Dain was the first to get off the stupid boat, making sure to watch his step as he stood on the boardwalk. Fish was his least favorite meal, the sight and smell of the water dwelling food source making his nose sting at the stench.

Dain waiting for Thorin to lead the way towards their destination, his eyes unaccustomed to the strange lay out of the town. Hobbit in tow, the king started his way towards the center of the town, the company brushing past multiple fisherman trying to sell their daily catches.

"What is our task here?" Dain asked.

"We're to talk of trade. I wish to purchase spices and wine for our upcoming wedding." He patted the hobbit lass sassily on the rump.

"Thorin!" She hissed at him, seeming to be easily embarrassed with physical display of affection in the Lake Town.

"Ah, so you've decided on a date then?"

"Not quite, soon though, right my little hobbit?" Thorin took a teasing hand and pinched her rump playfully, the lass smacking at his retreating hand.

"Really Thorin!" She muttered, cheeks glowing in their flushed nature.

"And what do you intend to trade with?" Dain asked another question, the king stoping the group in front of a large trading post.

"Forged iron from our mountain, they know our craftsmanship is the best around." He answered his kin, Thorins keen eyes searching around for their main trader, Bard.

"Thorin." The man called to his expected visitor. Bard was use to trading with the dwarf king, and was also accustomed to seeing Bilbo as well. When Bard noticed the hobbit in a dress, a lot of strange notions came across his mind, but he put those thoughts aside. Whatever those two did with one another was none of the trade masters business.

"So, shall we begin?" The man asked of the king, vaguely noticing another dwarf within Thorins company, but thought nothing of it.

"Alright, I'll need twenty pound of spices, and ten barrels of the finest wine you've got. And not that elvish wine, I don't care to mix any of my business with _their_ lot." He spat his words, his feeling of dislike greater than usual due to Kili's horrific involvement with a she-elf. _Durin forbid _that the young dwarf somehow _conceive_ with that dirty little tramp!

"Alright, I'll see what I can find. In exchange we'll need double the usual amount of iron. Finding wine that fancy takes a skilled trade." Bard explained, the dwarf king sighing before grudgingly agreeing to the terms.

"I'll have everything ready in one week, that much I'll guarantee." Bard shook the dwarfs hand, sealing the deal.

"If you're purchasing wine for your wedding, I'm assuming you are going to have a bachelor party before the special day?" Dain inquired, noticing that the hobbit got a rather odd look on her face. Perhaps she didn't like the idea of Thorin having a manly night with his dwarf friends, enjoying alcohol and women.

"I'm not a young pup like Fili or Kili, I've no need for such romping about before our ceremony." Thorin stated his opinion, he too had noticed his hobbit acting uneasy at the mention of a bachelor party. Bilbo was rather adorable when he acted jealous, but there really wasn't a need for the behavior. Thorin was only interested in his hobbit, no simple bar maid nor dwarfish lady could convince him of thinking otherwise.

"Ah, but why not? No harm in having some entertainment before you're saddled with just one lass." Dain's words both insulted and angered Bilbo, his little hobbit teeth starting to grind in annoyance.

"Let it go, Dain. We have other tasks to attend to." Thorin urged his kin, no happy with his hobbit companion getting hurt feelings by his cousins loud mouth.

"Aye, as you so desire. When we've no _female_ company I'll bring it up again, and with more detailed ideas." To this, all Bilbo could imagine in his easily jealous mind, was the image of Thorin getting fresh and handsy with a hired female from the town of Dale.

Bilbo tried his best not to let his imagination control his anger and make him lose his senses, but it was rather hard when that blaster dwarf Dain smiled so _damn_ smugly!

As Thorin lead the group over to a fish seller, the hobbit stepped back and pretended to be looking over different fishes freshly caught that day. In actuality, the miffed minded Bilbo was scheming. He noticed Dain's nose constantly wrinkled in distaste at the smell of the town, and could guess that the dwarf wasn't fond of the fishiness within the air. So with that assumption in mind, and Bilbo's keen eyes noticing a very large amount of feral cats wandering the walkways, a plan started forming.

Sneakily, the fellow purchased a fish without any of his companions noticing. A small yet potent fish that he then began teasing the cats with, getting a group of curious felines to follow him closer to the unaware body of Dain. The dwarf was wearing a jacket with large pockets, and so very carefully, the hobbit showed his cat followers where the fishy was going, by placing it silently into the pocket of Dain.

Backing away to act innocent, the hobbit watched as at first one cat pawed playfully at the dwarfs pocket. The Dwarf barely batted away the creature, more interested in his conversation with Thorin and the fish seller.

His pocket started getting batted at by two, then three cats, a group of others standing back to see if their friends could steal the fishy morsel. Dain was starting to get fidgety as he stood, still trying to half heartily bat away the insistent animals.

One cat had had enough foreplay, and wanted the whole prize. With needle sharp claws, the rather large feral cat began clawing his way up Dain's leg. That got the dwarfs full attention! The fellow howled and tried shaking the furry fighter off, only making the cat dig in more and start biting the loudly yelling Dain. He started running around the walkways, trying to rid himself of the mean spirited feline as a mass of other cats chased after the dwarf. The sight was rather hilarious, the mighty Ironfoot getting attacked and chased by homeless kitties. His leg shaking from time to time as he ran, still trying his damnedest to get the large cat off his pained leg.

The ferocious kitty found his host very rude, and started making his way further up the dwarfs body, clawing and biting until he reached the hairy fellows beard. Once the cat had reached Dain's beard, the irate dwarf reached out, grabbed the fighting creature, and with a very hard kick, he bunted the mean thing off the docks and into the water.

"Who wants a piece of me?!" He growled at the group that had followed him, fists raised as if ready to fight all of the feral cats within Lake Town.

At this point all the fishermen were laughing, pointing and chuckling so hard that some men had tears in their eyes. They'd never seen such a ridiculous display and found it the most idiotic yet funniest thing they'd ever viewed.

As Dain glared down the curiously staring cats, his body was bent just so that a small, smelly fish slipped out of his pocket. One cat quickly grabbed the tasty meal and with his leave the others seemed to follow. The ready to rumble Dain watched stupidly as the cats all went away, leaving him to look the fool in front of all the lake men.

Straightening his posture, he walked up to his smirking cousin and informed the trying not to laugh Thorin that he would be waiting on the barge. With determined strides, he marched past Thorin and when passing Bilbo he gave the hobbit the stink eye, possibly thinking the lass had something to do with his assault. Bilbo watched as the displeased dwarf made his way back to the barge, before turning his attention towards Thorin.

"Bilbo." Thorin eyed the hobbit, trying hard to look sternly but he couldn't help it. The king laughed, patting the prankster on the back and saying that he'd never seen a dwarf attracting that much pussy. His statement made the hobbit laugh out loud, finding the play on words incredibly funny.

"I doubt he'll look at another '_pussy_' the same way." Bilbo joked with his counterpart, the lightly immature humor making Thorin chuckle, his arms going around the hobbits shoulders as they began heading towards a nearby pub.

"Why are we going in here?" Bilbo asked, still willingly walking along next to his companion.

"After that incident, I think we both could use a bit of food and drink. Let Dain pout out all his soreness on the barge." Thorin explained, leading his hobbit into the pub and helping Bilbo with his seat. Dain was by no means a dwarf you wanted to be around when he sulked, and so the two would wait it out before heading back to their home under the mountain.

-0-0-

Inside the comfort of the inn, Bofur was playing a private tune for the dwarf lass he'd recently met. Doing a little dance as he played joyfully, the female clapping her hands to the melody, a smile plastered on her bearded face.

As the tune began to slowly fade, her happy looking face changed to that of a saddened maiden. Her eyes unreadable as he completely stopped playing and watched her behavior with a keen gaze.

"Earlier, you said that Dain had promised you to Thorin Oakenshield, and you didn't believe my words when I told you that Thorin was bethrothed to another. Why do you suppose Dain hasn't told you this news?" Bofur inquired carefully, not wanting the lass to become defensive towards his question.

She sat down in a near by chair and kept quiet for a little while, Bofur being kind and letting her take time to answer him.

"Gerta, is suppose to marry Thorin. If king already has bride, then Gerta is in trouble. May not be able to return home if what you say is true." She began, her tones uneasy, her dark eyes trying to hold back fear.

"Couldn't go back home? But why not? It's not like there aren't plenty of other dwarfs that'd chop off their mothers beard just to have you at their arm." He complimented her, the lady dwarf sighed and shook her head.

"Is no good. Gerta can not return because of lord Dain's..." She paused, eyeing Bofur wearily.

"Go on, you can tell me anything. I promise that nothing said will leave this room, Gerta." He smiled reassuringly, willing the lass to continue.

Her eyes started to mist as her thick hands wiped at the perspiration happening. "It is private matter, Gerta has told no one like lord Dain asked...but Gerta fearful now. If what you say is true." Seeing the strong bodied lass acting so sensitive warmed Bofurs heart. He reached out a hand and clasped hers gently.

"Whatever it is, I'll help you in any way I can." He promised the emotional dwarf, watching her nod in understanding. With a sniff, Gerta began her story.

"Gerta milked the goats belonging to lord Dain. He is a fair employer and paid Gerta well. Not long ago, he starts acting strange around Gerta, looking over her like livestock at sale! Then one day he asks to have private meeting with Gerta. It was very scary and different, being invited inside lord Dain's chambers. Gerta thought it unusual for such an important dwarf wanting to visit with her in his private room." The lass let out a sigh at the memory.

"Lord Dain asked if Gerta was married. I told him truth, that Gerta hadn't had any dwarf male touch her. That's when he said, 'perfect, you come here now'." Her eyes grew sorrowful as she paused again, Bofur feeling very sorry for the simple yet kind hearted lass.

"Lord Dain ordered Gerta to do things with him, things she'd never done before. He left bruises, and Gerta is a strong dwarf! After the mighty Dain took what he wanted of Gerta, he tells her that she will travel with him, to Lonely Mountain. That she was going to marry Thorin Oakenshield and that she must never tell Thorin about what Dain did to her."

Aha! Very treacherous, this Ironfoot dwarf! Marry Thorin to her and let the king think he conceives with the bride on their wedding night! What a dastardly, sneaky thing to do all in effort to try and steal the kingdom. This simple girl was a victim, not an accomplice. He'd have to make that very clear to Thorin once he told him everything. Little Gerta had suffered enough, carrying a bastard child, that's why she had said she couldn't go back home! That Dain needed to be taken out and hung to death, the heartless bastard!

"Gerta, I know you're scared and worried, but things will turn out. If you can't go home, you can live here or inside the Lonely Mountain." Bofur tried comforting the other, Gerta taking her hand away and standing up. She walked over to the window and stared out with glassy, defeated looking eyes.

"Gerta is a disgrace, there can be no home for her anymore." She spoke emptily.

"Don't talk like that, you've got a friend now, a dwarf that won't take advantage of your sweet nature." He stood and walked over to her, patting her shoulder friendlily.

"You are nice dwarf, Gerta feels glad to have met you." She admitted cautiously to the other, her dark chocolate eyes looking wearily at the musical dwarf. "Please, promise Gerta you'll visit her soon. She gets lonely in this human village."

"Of course, lass! I'll be back again soon to check on your pretty little self. I have to get going, but I'll be back soon!" He winked, and before fear could grip his heart and stop him, the flirty dwarf pecked the bearded lass on the cheek before dashing out of the room and down the stairs. He had some important information ready for Thorin!

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.


	9. Chapter 9

Thorin and his two other companions arrived back at the Lonely Mountain right before sundown. Dain speaking not a word the whole trip back, his mood sour and crabby. He hastily left the couple to their own devices, once arriving to the kingdom under the mountain, Bilbo and Thorin silently glad to be without the grouchy visitor.

"Bilbo, now that we're alone, there are some things I wish to discuss with you." Thorin gently began to speak, his hobbit listening with a curious brow raised in interest.

"Remember my mention to Dain of having to wait on your dress to be finished before we wed? Well, I've had a local seamstress working on something, and I want you to go into town tomorrow to get fitted. I think we both can agree that our lives will be much better with Dain gone." Thorin watched as his friend nodded in agreement.

"Because I've ordered the wine, and since your dress shouldn't take long to finish, I think we should set a date, and get the phony ceremony over with."

"Balin isn't really certified or anything, is he?" Bilbo inquired, remembering the old dwarf stating he'd preform the wedding.

"Balin was only helping us by volunteering, I'm sure everything will go back to normal once my cousin is out of our mountain." To this, Bilbo reached out a tentative hand to take Thorin's.

"Everything, Thorin?" He eyed his companion questioningly, searching Thorin face carefully for the emotion he wanted to see.

Thorin's face soften, his hand squeezing Bilbo's back warmly, "So maybe not everything. I must admit, it'd be hard going back to just thinking about you when I'm in the mood." He smirked, leaning in to playfully kiss his hobbits lips.

"Is that all I'am, a physical outlet for our great and noble king?" He teased the dwarf, Thorin rolling his eyes at the silly question.

"I think you know better by now." He insisted, wrapping his arms around the other and looking intensely into the hobbits playful, gleaming eyes.

At this moment, Bofur ran up to the couple, Thorin blanching at the sudden arrival and letting loose his leaning in partner. The hobbit fell unceremoniously onto the ground, scrambling up and muttering tersely as he brushed off dirt from his dress.

"Thorin, I come with important news from the task you sent me on!" Bofur hurriedly explained, his attention completely focused on the king.

"Good! Lets hear it." Thorin urged the other, Bofur looking questioningly at Bilbo first. "It's alright, the hobbit may listen in on your news." Thorin reassured his musical friend, Bofur nodding in understanding.

"Dain brought this dwarf with the intention of getting her pregnant first so that you'd unknowingly raise a bastard child, so that he could steal the kingdom from you."

"He what!?" Thorin barked, Bofur raising his hands up defensively.

"The lass involved is a victim here, Thorin. She was one of his goat milkers, a common dwarf lass that worked for him." He hurriedly explained to the jaw dropped king.

"Common? The bastard wasn't even going to give me a true lady to wed?" He paused, seeing Bilbo tapping his foot with a heated glare in his eyes, "Not that I'd have married her if she was a noble dwarf, Bilbo." He tried chuckling light heartedly, the hobbit only kept frowning at the now awkward looking Thorin.

"Either way, not a pleasant visiting reason from old Ironfoot, the treacherous snake." Bofur tisked, bringing Thorin out of his awkward moment with Bilbo.

"So, he hounds my Bilbo with the intent of seeding the hobbit. Well, even if he did get a hold of our burglar, there's no way that Dain could sneak in a bastard heir." Thorin stated the obvious.

"Um, Thorin."

"But if he did try bedding Bilbo, our lie would be over with. Dain would know that your bride to be is a male, and I'm sure there'd be a big blowout if that happens." Bofur interrupted the hobbit.

"So we do our damnedest to keep Bilbo safe from sexual advances until we're betrothed. I think we're going to plan on doing the cerominy within a week and a half. Wine has been ordered and the dress should undoubtedly be ready by then." Thorin added his own words to the conversation, Bilbo having to clamp up and wait his turn to speak.

"That's good, I don't know how much time we'd have before he starts suspecting something amiss." Bofur spoke ahead of the hobbit, the wee one getting frustrated.

"Yes, tell the other dwarfs about the wedding date, that we're aiming for a week and a half from now. The sooner Dain leaves, the better."

"And what about the lass he brought with him? I doubt he'd take her home to the Iron Hills." Bofur inquired, Bilbo once again having to wait his turn.

"She can do as she pleases." Thorin shrugged, just now noticing his hobbit acting impatient.

"Yes, little hobbit?" He asked, giving Bilbo some overdue attention.

"I was trying to say, that there have been rare cases when a male hobbit was able to carry a child." The fellow informed his companions, noticing Thorins face turning a deep red color after mentioning this new information.

"Are you saying, Bilbo, that you are one of those kind of hobbits?" He carefully inquired, an odd fidget starting to happen with Thorins neck and face.

"Of course not, I've never been pregnant! I'm just saying that it does happen on rare occasions." His little informative words were more distrurbing than anything to the uneasy looking king. He was now picturing his Bilbo walking around the halls, plump and round with a baby growing in his pot belly. A scary thought for any dwarf who had never been interested in having a family.

"Ah, lets hope you stay that way, Bilbo. Don't need Dain planting another bastard inside a defenseless, innocent soul." Thorin tried not letting the hobbits words bother him, but was finding that rather difficult. All his mind could think of was poor Bilbo somehow winding up pregnant. Then again, if that oddity did occur, Thorin had a wizard friend that could undoubtedly help them. With that thought in mind, his worrying paused, his face stopped fidgeting as he took a steady breath.

"Alright there, Thorin?" Bilbo asked kindly, looking over the dwarf like a mother hen to her chicks.

"I'm fine, little one. Your unexpected information about hobbits threw me for a loop. I'm just now wrapping my head around it." He assured his companion, Bilbo shrugging and nodding in understanding.

"Back to our other topic. Bofur, we need to keep this Dain information to ourselves for now, we don't need hot headed dwarfs like Dwalin going rogue and trying to confront my cousin. We need to act carefully, and with a level head. Understand?" He eyed the other dwarf carefully, Bofur agreed and asked if there was anything else Thorin needed.

"I think that's all for now. Go get some ale and rest up, you've done well today, my friend. You have my thanks."

"Course! Anything for you, Thorin." Bofur smiled, his body turning to head down to the kitchens for food and drink.

-0-0-

Bilbo was sighing with impatience as his hands once again began to feel the silky soft material he was wearing. The seamstress was taking pins and using the tiny needle like objects to take in the hobbit's wedding dress. Trying to make the garment fit the hobbit perfectly so that the blushing bride could look astonishing on her special day. Little gems of emerald and ruby were sewn onto the slippery material, giving the white gown some color to it, making it gleam with the shiny, polished stones.

"I've never been ordered to sew on such expensive gems before, it was quite a pleasure placing them on your gown." She remarked to the hobbit, finishing up her last pin and standing away to get a good look at her work.

"Bilbo, you're a sight to behold!" Fili complimented his friend, Kili nodding in agreement.

"A lovely bride you'll be for that Thoin Oakenshield fellow, he was insistent that you find the dress to your liking. Have a look in the mirror dear and see what you think." The seamstress gestured for Bilbo to turn around and gaze into the full length mirror.

Carefully the hobbit turned, looking upon himself and thinking what a silly fellow he was, getting fitted for a wedding dress! This was quite a long and dragged out misadventure, but he had to admit, the gown was rather fetching. The stones looked so delicate, sewn carefully onto the satin like material. The short sleeves were a see through type of material, much nicer than those long sleeved garments he'd noticed before.

In the Shire, nothing as fancy as this dress was ever worn. Then again, hobbits round there didn't marry kings, they married simple and hardworking gents with a modest amount of money. If they could see Bilbo now! Actually...they'd probably think him a strange lad and stop talking to him. Gossiping to their friends and family that Bilbo was an odd duck, that he wasn't the type of hobbit you'd want around your children.

It was better here, with his dwarf companions. They were never quick to judge him, and treated him kindly all the time. He belonged in this community much more than with his own race, which didn't sadden Bilbo, he was happy staying among people that enjoyed his company.

"It's the prettiest gown I've ever seen." The hobbit finally spoke, gently taking his fingers and touching the small gems thoughtfully.

"Ah, I'm relieved, dear. You were taking a long time, I was beginning to worry." The seamstress spoke, smiling and beginning to take off the gown so that she could sew it to Bilbo's precise size.

"Have you thought about how many children you want? Dwarfs can have children with your kind, can't they?" She innocently asked Bilbo, Kili and Fili started chuckling, making the seamstress shoo them out of the room so that the hobbit could speak without getting giggled at.

"I believe so." Bilbo shyly answered, the topic of children making him silently wonder if Thorin wasn't better off with someone who could actually give him children. Was Bilbo being selfish, by being with Thorin? Then again, the king had had opportunity to settle down in his younger years to procreate, and had not taken that road. His sister had given birth to two fine dwarf males that would inherit the kingdom once Thorin passed it down.

"Good fortune to you, lass. May however many children you do have be healthy and happy." The other spoke kindly towards Bilbo, the hobbit smiling tentatively at the woman's words. Thorin loved Bilbo just the way he was, children weren't a requirement for the dwarfs affection. This was all a gag anyway, getting married for the sake of Dain leaving Thorin in peace...So then why wasn't Bilbo feeling like this was only a scheme, why was he starting to have emotions over silly things that didn't really matter? This misadventure was turning into something more for the hobbit and that fact was starting to worry him.

-0-0-

It was the day before the big event. Dain was just now visiting the dwarf lass he'd brought with him, entering her room and tossing her a box wrapped in brown paper.

"Lord Dain, Gerta has heard not a word from you. Gerta was getting worried." She spoke towards him, watching the dwarf pace about her room moodily.

"I have a job for you, Gerta. It seems Thorin is getting married to someone already, their wedding is tomorrow. I have a plan though, that might benefit us both if we play our cards right." He paused, turning to her and looking the lass up and down boldly.

"Open your package." He ordered, the bearded lass gently working the wrapped box open, lifting up a very strange looking cloth.

"You'll be wearing that tonight, my dear. I intend to throw our king a party before he weds, and you, sweet Gerta, are to be the entertainment." He smiled smugly, watching her face turn surprised, and then shocked.

"But Gerta can't wear this, Greta's skin would be revealed to everyone!" She looked upon her master with confusion.

"That's the point. You're going to remind these dwarfs what it's like to have a proper dwarf lass around. And if all goes according to plan, my cousin will drink and find himself feeling easily reasoned with. With luck, you may get your chance to show him what a fine lass you are, Gerta. Don't you want Thorin to choose you over a filthy little hobbit?" He asked of her, the sweet dwarf was getting teary eyed as she began to realize there was no choice in this matter. He was forcing her into this plot, whether she wanted to or not.

"There there, don't cry. It will all go smoothly. Just entertain the dwarfs and when I give you the signal, Thorin should be easily wooed into a very personal experience with you." He chuckled, the lass saying not a word as she stared down at her skimpy garment. Hollow eyes looked at the revealing item as Dain reached out and started petting her hair possessively.

"Come, let's see how that outfit fits your body, Gerta." He huskily spoke into her ear, his hands working downward to touch her shoulders.

"Please, Lord Dain. Gerta is scared, has never done something like this before." She pleaded with the iron willed dwarf touching her unbecomingly.

He smacked her cheek sharply, her eyes watering as tears rolled down her face and into her beard.

"You'll do as you're told, Gerta. I'll not take any lip from you." He growled, rough fingers beginning to tear at her dress from the back.

Gerta stood shamefully as her lord and master began taking off her normal attire, replacing it with the strange and uncomfortable outfit he'd just purchased.

"There now, they'll be tickled pink seeing your muscle bound body displayed so openly! You'll give them quite the show, little Gerta." He chuckled, his grabby hands reaching out and touching her brazenly. Gerta didn't want any part of this nasty scheme, but it appeared she had no other option. Was she doomed to be his puppet for the rest of her days?

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: It got ominous and dark towards the end, but have no fear! There will be humor, what Dain considers to be an attractive number, might not sit well with the other dwarfs...We're at the day before the wedding because this story is getting rather long. we're in for some interesting developments, stay tuned for the next chapter!


	10. Chapter 10

Thorin was walking his halls the night before his 'wedding', the contemplative dwarf had his mind wandering to how quickly the time seemed to have gone by. The wine and spices had been ready as promised, the group of dwarfs sent to Lake Town came back in cheery spirits over the cargo they carried.

Thorin had a sleek looking outfit ready for him on their special day, the tunic was a rich blue color with golden embroidery along the collar and sleeves. As for the rings...It was kind of silly, really. At first he thought that he'd just pick up plain gold bands for both the hobbit and himself. He already told Bilbo that he'd handle the rings, that way the hobbit didn't have to worry about it. Yet Thorin, at the last minute, decided against a simple gold band.

He may be phonily marrying Bilbo, but he wanted his companion to be truly impressed with whatever he gave his bride to be. So, Thorin had forged, in his spare time, two silver rings. They had the dwarfish word for beloved etched into both rings inner side. One ring held a strong, manly looking ruby within it, while the other was a femininely cut emerald, specially made for his Bilbo.

It had taken most of his spare time, but the dwarf had them finished and safely in his pocket at the moment. He was proud of his craftsmanship and only hoped that the hobbit would be happy with the design and stone he had chosen.

Thorin was thinking about his hobbit, wondering what the fellow was up to, when noise caught his attention. Coming from the dining hall, he could hear dwarfs loudly celebrating over something, so with curiosity eating at him, the king made his way towards the half way closed doors, creaking them open and gazing upon a private party.

Some dwarfs were playing instruments and singing while others danced a merry jig to the tunes, others were chatting about, having mini contest with each other such as arm wrestling matches and who has the better beard. Everyone was drinking, faces flushed happily with the inebriating substance. Dain was at the head of the dining table, much to Thorins dislike, telling some long and drawn out tale of one of his mighty conquests. His head turned while speaking and he smiled excitedly at Thorin arrival.

"Dwarfs, out guest of honor has finally arrived! Give that groom a drink!" He ordered the others, groups of dwarfs heading over to Thorin and handing him tankards of ale and mead.

"What are you dwarfs up to?" Thorin questioned, gingerly taking a tankard of mead and sipping it.

"Uncle, it's your bachelor party!" Fili piped in, seeming to arrive out of thin air.

"Fili! You and Kili are suppose to be watching my hobbit!" Thorin barked annoyedly at his kin.

"But uncle, Bilbo said it was alright. Besides, Kili and I are taking turns. He doesn't need both of us watching him read a boring book."

"Since when do you do as Bilbo says over your own uncle?" Thorin eyed his nephew with an ornery look.

"Bilbo's soon to be our relation too, doesn't that count?" Fili wearily asked, Thorin sighed and patted his kin on the shoulder.

"I've no energy to argue that, Fili. Just make sure you swap and take turns with Kili, no sense in hogging all the fun in here." He rolled his eyes at the word 'fun'. Party or no, he still was spending time near Dain which was not pleasant due to the others untrustworthy nature. Dutifully, he walked over to Dain and humbly thanked the dwarf for throwing him a party.

"It's just started, I've even more entertainment headed our way." He smirked, turning around and giving a loud whistle towards a curtain.

"Dain..." Thorin began warningly, having a bad feeling about what waited behind that curtain.

"Oh, have a little fun, Thorin!" He hissed, every dwarf turning interestedly towards the shaking curtain. Whatever could it be? A dale woman to keep the dwarfs testosterone levels high?

Slowly, hesitantly the material parted, showing off a very brazenly dressed dwarf lass. The poor thing was shivering as she moved like a timid doe towards the large group of males. Her outfit was so tight on her, that it was leaving red marks, and it made her her look more like a wrapped sausage than a seductive wench.

Few dwarfs were excited by her scared looking face, her uncomfortable body, and one felt incredibly angry seeing her treated in such a manner at all. That dwarf, was Bofur. He had come to like little Gerta, visiting and talking with her as often as he could. Playing music to make her smile and laugh, the lass seemed like she had few things in this world that made her happy, and Bofur was glad to bring her some joy.

Seeing her the way she was, brought on a darker side to him. He was known for his agreeable and kind nature, this scene was turning his mood into quite the opposite. It didn't help when Dain smacked her rump cruely, sending her over towards the twitching Thorin. He looked hollowly at the ashamed girl, gently sending her towards the other dwarfs direction, pissing off Dain in doing so.

She wouldn't look at Bofur, her eyes to her feet as she gingerly walked towards Dwalin and his group of dwarf friends.

"Fancy seeing you again." Dwalin commented, eyeing the lass uncertainly.

"What's she gonna do, Dain?" One random dwarf asked of old Ironfoot.

"Play some damn music, and she'll dance!" Dain snapped his response, a few dwarfs picked up their musical instruments and started to play, but not Bofur. He was not going to play a tune just so his friend could be ridiculed while she danced to please her ruler and master Dain. His fists were balled as he watched her starting moving to the music awkwardly. His temper rose when the pig headed Dwalin grabbed her and started to make the uneasy lass dance with him.

-0-0-

"Why did you send her to the others first, cousin? Hobbit flesh more to your liking these days?" Dain tersely asked, his cheeks flushed with barely held rage.

"That girl is the saddest looking dwarf lass I've ever laid eyes on. You're _cruel_ to have shoved her body into that tight attire, you're cold hearted to let an untrained and unwilling lass preform when you _easily_ could have hired a lass from Dale, or better yet, not hire a prostitute at _all_. You knew my disinterest in fleshy entertainment and refused to take heed to anything I said. Your party could have been fine with just the ale and games, but you had to push the limits and bring in a scared little dwarf lass to show off to my men." Thorin hurriedly spoke in a pissed off tone.

"You're going to sleep with a hobbit for the rest of your life, and don't wish to tap that dwarfish flesh before taking the plunge? Your loss, Thorin. I was only trying to do you a favor." Dain hissed back, pretending to be offended by Thorins disinterest in his dwarf lass.

"I'm marrying a _hobbit_, do you really think _dwarfs_ do it for me anymore?" Thorin exclaimed a little too loudly, some guests looking over at the king with raised brows.

"You've always been an odd duck, I'm just surprised you're not having relations with a _male_ hobbit, that'd just really take the cake _then_!" He intended to insult Thorin, the king shrugged it off, losing his interest in trying to argue with such a dwarfish asshole.

"I'm leaving, your party can go on without me." He spoke determinedly, turning away right when a loud roar was heard from the group of dwarf. Thorin moved his head to look at the scene, and started hustling over to break up the brawling dwarf.

-0-0-

Bofur had been watching them dance, noticing Dwalins roaming hands going lower and lower until they were touching Gerta's rump. When they turned so that Bofur could see her face, he saw tears in her eyes at the way her dance partner was touching her body. With a determined stride, he tapped Dwalins shoulder, getting his attention enough to scoop Gerta out of the dwarfs arms and into his own. He started doing a fast paced waltz with her, leading her away from the fuming and pursuing Dwalin.

"Gerta, I'm sorry you got put into this messy spot, but don't worry, I'm gonna keep handsy dwarf over there off you." He promised his weepy friend.

"Gerta thanks you, Bofur, but won't you get into trouble?" She shakily asked her dancing partner.

"You just let me worry about that, lass." He winked, twirling her right as Dwalin got only inches from them.

"You're mine!" The angry dwarf took a swing at Bofur, the other dodged and sent his partner away from him so that he could manage the steaming Dwalin on his own.

"You can't keep her all to yourself _this_ time, it's a party, _anyone_ can dance with her!" Dwalin growled to Bofur as they started circling.

"And what's any party without a _brawl_?" Bofur chuckled as he dodged another swing from Dwalin and punched at the dwarf afterwords, aiming for a kidney shot.

The sharp intake of breath let Bofur know he'd done some damage, the macho dwarf fighting back watery eyes as he swung madly at his opponent.

"What's the matter Dwalin? Kidney a bit sore?" Bofur sassed, the other dwarf speeding up his assault and landing a blow to Bofus hat, knocking it off the musical dwarfs head.

"My hat?!" He tried retrieving it quickly, in his attempt he got his leg captured, the muscle bound heavy hitter named Dwalin reeling in Bofur like a caught fish.

Dwalin started swinging Bofur around by his leg, tossing him a long ways away and laughing as the airborne dwarf hit the sturdy dining tables edge.

Wearily Bofur righted himself, limping as he started for Dwalin. "I'm not out yet, you thin bearded, dateless elf lover!" A huge gasp was made by the watching crowd, so much nastiness was mentioned in that curse that some dwarfs had their mouths agape at the audacity of it.

"What did you say?" Dwalin grounded out his words, fists balled as he marched towards Bofur.

"Hey _thin beard,_ how bout you try dancing with an _elf maiden_ instead of our fellow dwarf, you'd probably get a _date_ sooner with an elf than you would with our guest here." Bofur taunted, riling up the easily insulted Dwalin and making the hot tempered dwarf charge.

Picking up a nearby flute, he waited and timed the dwarfs charge just right so that he moved out of the way and whacked the bruiser upside his head with the flute! Making the dwarf fall to the ground gracelessly.

"Aha!" Bofur cheered himself, turning around to pump his fist triumphantly at the watching crowd, caught up in the moment and did not notice his huge opponent rise slowly.

The vengeful Dwalin rose with one goal in mind, to clobber Bofur to death and take his prize, meaning Gerta.

Like a gorilla strangling an intruder, he had Bofur on the ground and was synching down his big meaty hands around the dwarfs neck. Choking the gasping, twitching dwarf with a fierce gleam in his eyes.

"Dwalin!" Thorin yelled, shoving off the strangler and ordering his nephew Fili to keep the big brute away while he tended to Bofur.

The musical master was seeing stars as he was looked over by the worried king, his vision cleared enough to see sweet little Gerta gazing down at him.

"Oh Bofur!" She cried his name, kneeling down and hugging him to her sweetly.

"I'm okay." He wheezed out his words, still hoarse after getting choked out.

Tears streaming down her bearded cheeks, she bend down and kissed the top of Bofur's forehead. Surprising and yet pleasing the weary body of Bofur as Thorin helped the dwarf stand.

"I think this party is over." He called throughout the room, bringing cries of unhappiness at the news.

"Thorin, what of Gerta?" Bofur spoke worriedly in his hoarse tone, noticing Dain glaring heatedly at the lady dwarf, malice in his beady eyes.

"Gerta, was it? How would you like to stay in a room here tonight? I'll have Bofur here take you to an empty one and bring you some fresh clothes as well." Thorin spoke kindly to the weary eyed lass.

"Thorin..." Dain spoke warningly.

"You wanted to give me her as a gift, so then let me do as I please with her, _cousin_." Thorin spoke back, daring his kin to try and argue.

"Waste of a way to use her." He muttered, letting the king win the argument.

"Gerta thanks you, Thorin Oakenshield, you are very kind." She complimented the king, giving a small bow.

"Oh course, now off you and Bofur go." He gestured for the hoarse sounding dwarf to lead the lady away. With a wave and a wink, Bofur happily took Gerta's hand and started whisking her off to a clean and warm room of her very own.

"Dain, I'd like a private word with Dwalin if you don't mind." He ordered his cousin, the other nodding and leaving the room moodily, pissed at how things had turned out, but still determined to have his way one way or another...

"Dwalin, you need to stand down. That dwarf lass has been through a lot of unkind behavior from my kin, and you need to cool your attitude towards her and Bofur. We don't kill fellow dwarfs in this mountain, do I make myself clear?" Thorin watched as the other put on a pouty face.

"But he always gets the girls!" Dwalin humphed immaturely, Thorin rolling his eyes at the silly behavior.

"If you want companionship so much, go buy an evening with a dale lass. There's plenty of those to go around." Thorin offered his advice, Dwalin spat in distaste at the idea.

"I want a _dwarf_ woman, Thorin!" He whined to his king.

"Then start having a good imagination, Dwalin, because with your attitude, even if we _had_ dwarf women they wouldn't date you." He spoke boldly, gesturing for Fili to let go of the cooled down dwarf. Dwalin grumbled and groaned, not at all amused with Thorins words as he wandered off to his room.

"Well, I guess Kili will just have to wait till someone else has a bachelor party." Fili commented to his uncle, watching all the other dwarfs slink out of the dining area.

_"I just pray it isn't his own when that happens. Durin help me if that boy somehow gets betrothed to that elf seductress!" _Thorin muttered to himself, Fili not hearing a word of it as they started to leave the area together.

-0-0-

"So, how was the party?" Bilbo asked of the king, trying to be prepared for anything negative.

"Ever see a dwarf look like a wrapped sausage?" Thorin chuckled lightly, easing the tense look the hobbit had about him.

"You kind of looked that way wearing Bilbo's birthday gift until you ripped it!" Kili blurted out, everyone starting unhappily at the laughing young dwarf.

"Uncle _was_ kinda stuffed in it." Fili admitted, Thorin and Bilbo giving the dwarf a nasty glare, telling the young nephew to shut his trap with only a look.

"So, that bastard _did_ wind up hiring someone." Bilbo sighed, Thorin reached out a hand and squeezed his partners shoulder warmly.

"It's not what you'd think. By the end of the party I had her shown to a room and given fresh clothes. I didn't want to see that poor lass humiliated anymore than she had to. Dain was glaring daggers at me when I gave her the opportunity to leave and rest within our home."

"I imagine." Bilbo spoke, thinking about how the visiting dwarf was such a cold hearted brute. "I'm just glad nothing _bad_ happened."

"Well, Dwalin and Bofur got into a fight over the dwarf lass. But other than that it was non confrontational." Thorin sat on the edge of the bed next to the hobbit, giving his nephews the okay to leave.

Once Fili and Kili departed, Thorin relaxed a bit more and wrapped a comfortable arm around Bilbo.

"So, my little one, are you ready for tomorrow." He asked, enjoying it when Bilbo leaned against Thorin and nuzzled into his chest.

"I suppose, then we won't have to deal with our unwelcome guest." He commented, glad when they'd be rid of the plotting Dain.

"Pretend wedding or not, I'm hoping you'll be interested in treating the night after our ceremony like a true married couple would." He spoke into Bilbo's ear, enjoying the way his hobbit quivered as he spoke so naughtily, "There are still some things I'm eager to try with you, my little one." He huffed into Bilbo's ear, nipping the hobbits earlobe lightly and making Bilbo gasp.

"Oh _really_, for example?" Bilbo sassily inquired, moving so that he could stare into his companions soft, warm looking eyes.

"Ah, then it wouldn't be special. You'll just have to wait." He smirked, watching Bilbo pout by jutting out his lower lip, the ornery king bit that lower lip teasingly before kissing his pouty partner affectionately.

-0-0-

Gandalf had had a horrid time wandering about his wizardly business without his trusty hat. The rude and distasteful things he was called when not wearing his hat! He was extremely tired of being referred to as Mop Head, his patience on its last legs over people's cruel nick name for him.

He was marching his way back to the Lonely Mountain to get his hat back by any means necessary! Those two young dwarfs were in for it once he got a hold of them! He'd been traveling for long hours and had finally made it to Lake Town, the weary wizard taking rest in the local inn. As he ate his dinner before resting that night, he listened in on the gossip among the other customers. Apparently there was to be a royal wedding in the morning!

That had to have meant Bilbo did the right thing, and went back to his home so that Thorin could settle down! It was positive news for a change! With the intention of being a surprise guest at Thorins wedding, Gandalf went up to his room for some greatly needed sleep. The wizard was pleased that things were going as they should within the Lonely Mountain as he shut his eyes to slumber. He was curious to find out who the lass was that had won over the stubborn hearted king, who knows, maybe Gandalf would even get to kiss the blushing bride of Thorin Oakenshield. . .

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: Yeah, Gandalf's in for a surprise, he could blow the hobbits cover very easily...Will Dain finally find out the truth about Mistress Baggins? Will Gandalf get his hat back? Find out in the wedding chapter coming up next!


	11. Chapter 11

Bilbo, Gandalf help him, was having _butterflies_ in his stomach! The bridal gown wearing hobbit was pacing inside a small room he was waiting in, fidgeting and fussing with his dress as he impatiently waited for some dwarf to come take him down into the throne room to play out this facade of a wedding.

That's just it though, Bilbo knew perfectly well that none of this was real, that Balin wasn't really able to bind them in holy union, and that they were only doing this so that Dain would leave them in peace. So why was he feeling anxious, nervous and flushed? Bilbo was confused at his own behavior, was he feeling this way because deep down he wanted to be bound to Thorin?

A question that made shivers run down his spine, thinking of Thorin honestly wanting Bilbo as his permanent partner, visioning the handsome dwarf reaching out and placing a ring upon Bilbo's wee finger...

The hobbit felt weak kneed, his legs wobbled as he almost fell down at envisioning that happening, and not as a farce. His eyes started to water as emotions of many kinds ran through him, anger, sadness and confusion.

A knock at the door brought him out of his inner turmoil, taking in a deep breath to steady his shaking figure as the door began to open.

"Bilbo, it's time." Bofur peeked his smiling face in, admiring the hobbits attire by whistling.

"Fanciest hobbit I've ever laid eyes on!" He compliment his friend. Bilbo hollowly chuckled, his dwarf friend began to gently lead the nervous fellow out of the room and towards the awaiting mass of guests.

The throne room was packed with dwarfs, and townspeople, their heads all turned as Bilbo was lead in. Gasps and oohs were made as all eyes watched the prettily dressed bride marching down the path towards the awaiting groom.

As much as he realized that this was a scheme, Thorin still was sweaty and clammy as he began to watch Bilbo headed his way, looking prim and proper in the gown that glowed with rubies and emeralds. Fili and Kili stood near by, dressed sharply for the event and smiling warmly as they watched the little hobbit inch closer to their uncle.

Finally, Bofur deposited the blushing bride at Thorin side, backing away to become one of the watching guests.

They stared at one another, both feeling jittery at this momentous occasion. Balin had to cough to get the couples attention, the elder dwarf smiling as they turned to stare at him, ready to take their united vows.

"We are all gathered here today, to witness these two joined in holy union. "

-0-0-

Gandalf had done the unthinkable! He had overslept, and was running very late! With hurried steps he hustled his wizard arse towards the Lonely Mountain, silently hoping he'd make it to the wedding on time. On his journey, he came upon King Thranduil, who oddly wasn't riding his beloved mount, but seated upon a white stallion.

"What happened to your elk, King of Mirkwood?" Gandalf asked, the elf group now walking along with the traveling wizard.

Slowly, the elf king turned his head, looking down at the gray wizard with slit eyes as he tersely began to inform the wizard that his mount had gone missing. They were headed to the Lonely Mountain to have a word with Thorin Oakenshield.

"Ah, you may have to wait once you arrive, the king is getting married this morning." The wizard informed the elf king.

Thranduil's eyes widen with disbelief, fluffy caterpillar like eyebrows furrowed, "If that is true, where was my invitation?" He tisked, "I find your words misleading, wizard, Thorin Oakenshield married...It's like a bad romance novel, written by trolls!" He huffed, uncertain if what Gandalf had said was true.

"Granted, it is hard to picture him settling down, but I heard the townspeople going on about it. It seems you weren't the only one without an invite. Though I understand why he wouldn't want _your_ presence there." To this statement, Thranduil halted his horse and glared daggers at the wizard.

"And what do you mean by that?!" He hissed, his elf guards stopping as well to point arrows at the insulting natured sorcerer.

"Calm yourself, King Thranduil." Gandalf held up his hands defensively. "I was only meaning that Thorin is one to hold onto grudges, I still think he dislikes you for past mistakes made over Smaug and his kingdom."

Thranduil flicked a limp wrist at his guard, signaling them to leave Gandalf be. "I thought he might be more gracious than that, we did fight on the same side during the battle of five armies." He commented, nudging his mount to continue on as they all trudged forward.

As they traveled on in silence for a long while, the king spoke up first, asking the question they all were wondering, "Who do you think the _lucky_ bride is?" He said the word 'lucky' sarcastically. The king knew of no close by dwarf females, what'd he do, marry the hobbit? The idea brought a smug grin to his face, the thought very amusing.

"I haven't a clue, but I'm curious to find out." Gandalf answered back, thinking about what the girl might look like.

-0-0-

Thorin was feeling a bit lightheaded as Balin started performing some made up, fancy looking ritual. Setting a candle down, and picking it back up, lighting the candle then blowing it out. Stupid, time wasting nonsense, but it appeared to fool Dain well enough. The dwarf standing near by with a neutral look, his mood neither anger nor gleeful.

Finally, Balin got to the ring part of the ceremony, asking Thorin to present the rings. He fished around inside his pockets, bringing out the hand forged rings and let Bilbo hold the one he'd give to Thorin.

The hobbit looked upon Thorin's ring with admiration, both companions barely listening as Balin spoke about symbolism and rings.

"Ahem, I said, you two may give each other the rings now." Balin caught their attention, the couple carefully slipping on rings for one another. Bilbo gasped at the sight of his own ring, truly marveling at its design and craftsmanship.

"Alright, do you, Bilbo Baggins, take Thorin Oakenshield as your husband?"

-0-0-

Gandalf and Thranduil arrived towards the end of the ceremony, both stood towards the back, stretching their necks to try and get a good look of the bride.

As the uniting dwarf spoke the words, 'man and wife' the couple turned and kissed, Gandalf zeroed in on the lass and choked when he realized that it wasn't a lass, it was Bilbo!

He was shocked for a moment, watching them kiss and wondering if he was just having a bad dream. That maybe, he was really at the inn still, having a nightmare. Thandriul laughter brought him out of his thoughts, the elf too noticing the king smooching the hobbit.

"A bride indeed!" He chuckled obnoxiously, receiving stares from near by guests who didn't find his behavior very becoming.

He paused his laughter long enough to give those people a stern look, making them turn away hurriedly.

"Do you think their children will have beards or hairy feet? Perhaps both?" The elf king laughed, thinking the scene hilarious, while Gandalf thought quite the opposite.

"Bilbo's a _male_ hobbit, they can't _have_ children." He informed the Mirkwood king, the information making Thranduil laugh more, tears running down his lovely face he was laughing so hard.

"This is madness! I mean why is that little fellow wearing a dress? Thorin has gotten a very _sick_ fetish if he's started to dress poor Bilbo in dresses. I'm going to confront those fools and get some damn answers!" Gandalf raged, beginning to march away from the humor filled elf king.

-0-0-

"Congratulations, I know this is sudden, but I need to get going back to my Iron Hills. I've been gone too long. I'm glad I was able to be present for your wedding, and hope for many heathy heirs in your future." He bowed, a strange smile on his lips as he abruptly excused himself, Ironfoot was headed out, and not a moment too soon!

Gandalf the Gray was marching over to Thorin and Bilbo, with a very unpleasant look on his old, wrinkled face.

"Gandalf, what a surprise." Bilbo started, trying to play it cool.

"Bilbo Baggins, I thought I told you that your place was back home in the Shire? At what point did I say 'Hey Bilbo, why don't you stay here and marry Thorin?' Because I don't ever recall telling you that!" He grounded out his words, glaring at both dwarf and hobbit.

"And you, Thorin Oakenshield! When I warned you of Dain, I never stated that you should just marry Bilbo! He's a hobbit for pity's sake! And a _male_ hobbit at that!"

"Shhh, keep your voice down." Bilbo shushed the now bug eyed looking wizard, afraid that maybe Dain might be sneakily listening in.

"Don't you dare shush me, Bilbo Baggins! What would your dear mother have thought about this? Do you think she meant for her boy to shack up with a dwarf king?!" He tried shaming the little hobbit, Bilbo was quickly defended by his 'husband'.

"I think you should calm your mop head down, wizard. You're making a scene when we have an easy enough explanation for all this." Thorin was trying hard not to shout at Gandalf, pissed at the way he'd spoken to little Bilbo.

"What did you call me?!" Gandalf had been annoyed with their mischief but now he was really mad at being called that accursed name! "I wouldn't be, as you put it, a Mop Head if _your_ nephews hadn't _stolen_ my hat! I demand it gets returned to me this instant or I'll really start making a scene!" Gandalf threatened the couple, cranky and grumpy over everything at hand.

"I took it from them, it's in my room." Bilbo informed the wizard, "Now please Gandalf, try to calm down! We're doing this so that Dain will leave Thorin alone about being married." Bilbo whispered the last bit, carefully searching around as he explained why they were doing all this.

"Calm down?! I walk in here thinking Thorin has finally found a wife and find you instead! There's no calm to any of this madness!" Gandalf huffed, feeling very flustered with how they decided to handle Dain's request of Thorin.

"Well, it's not like we're really married, so stop acting like a cranky child and pretend to enjoy yourself." Thorin urged, all heads turned at a coughing sound from Balin.

"Actually, Thorin, in my younger days I married a few dwarf couples before. I'm actually quite able to unite couples in holy union. I thought you realized that when you didn't choose another dwarf to wed you two." Balin explained, all eyes looking at him with shocked expressions.

"You mean we're really...ohh." Bilbo fainted, landing on the floor with a little thunk as Thorin hurried to pick up his passed out bride.

"See what you've done?!" Gandalf howled.

"I've done? You were the one shaming him and hurting his feelings! Besides, I had no idea Balin was a real minister dwarf! He never told me!" Thorin growled back at the wizard, turning to glare at Balin as he held onto Bilbo's limp form.

"You never asked..." Balin lamely came up with an excuse. Inching his way away from the grumpy dwarf and wizard.

"King under the mountain, I see you've already bored to death your 'bride', how lovely." The Mirkwood king sauntered up to the wizard and dwarf, his attitude cheeky and mean spirited.

"She fainted." Thorin barked, readjusting his hold on Bilbo, finding the hobbit extra heavy with that full looking gown on.

"You've no need to pretend with me, Gandalf already informed me that your bride is actually male." The elf king snickered, taking a petite hand to covers his mouth lightly.

Thorin raised a brow, frowning at the rude elf, "What's so funny?" He asked.

"Oh nothing, it's just I never knew you to be the type to enjoy hobbit sausage when there's so much dwarf sausage to go around." He chuckled, making Thorins frown deepen.

"Really, Thranduil, you're making me uncomfortable with such talk." Gandalf hissed, feeling a raging headache setting in.

"Apologies, wizard. I suppose I should get down to my business here. I'm looking for my elk, have any of your men seen it roaming near by?" The elf king asked of Thorin, the frown he had on turned into a smug smirk.

"No, but I'd be careful, Thranduil. The hunters in Dale would have no remorse in shooting down the beast and eating it for supper." He commented, the elf started to curse in his own language at the dwarfs words.

"I assure you, if they did, it'd be the last beast ever killed by their hand, for I'd chop off their limbs and shove it up their ass if I hear anything like you've mentioned." He informed the dwarf, all humor gone from the elf's face.

"I'll be sure to inform my men. Good luck in your search." Thorin neutrally spoke, willing the unwanted guest to leave.

"Ah, see that you do." He nodded his head, turned on his heel and left the dwarf to argue once more with the wizard.

"Thorin, I don't abide any of this, but I've grown rather weary from all this nonsense, and just wish to grab my belonging and leave. Where is Bilbo's room?" Gandalf asked, the dwarf giving the wizard directions and watching him shuffle off, holding his head as if it ached.

"Thorin?" Bilbo whispered out the king's name, the hobbit was beginning to awaken.

"I've got you, little one." He spoke gently, helping the hobbit as he awakened and wanted to stand on his own.

"Where's Gandalf?" Bilbo asked, still lightheaded from fainting.

"He went to get his hat." Thorin informed his companion, the other nodded in understanding.

"So, is what Balin said, true?" Bilbo hesitantly asked.

"We'll just go with the flow for now, and worry about that later. You need some water, come, let's go to the kitchens." He started guiding his hobbit towards the kitchen, away from the busily gossiping guests.

-0-0-

"So you get to stay?" Bofur asked excited of his friend, Gerta.

"Yes, Gerta stays! Dain say he not want Gerta living in Iron Hills when carrying his child, so Gerta gets to stay here." She smiled contentedly at her friend, glad that she didn't have to leave and stay with the mean hearted Dain.

"This is great! We can go dancing and I can play music for you when ever you like. I'm just so happy you don't have to leave." Bofur to her plump hand and squeezed it warmly.

"Gerta happy too. Bofur the nicest male dwarf she's ever met." The lass spoke kindly to the other, leaning in and pecking his cheek sweetly. "Thank you for being friend to Gerta."

Bofurs face blushed as he fished for words, his brain flimflammed at receiving a kiss from the pretty bearded lass.

"Would Bofur play a song for Gerta?" She gently asked him, noticing him having a hard time speaking.

Whipping out a clarinet, he started to do a jolly tune for his friend, enjoying the smile it gave her.

-0-0-

Dain was leaving for now, but he had intentions of returning. He was in a rush to leave, because he had his dwarfs out searching for a conjurer and they'd actually located one somewhat nearby!

Since he hadn't been able to physically get his seed within the hobbit, the dwarf had thought of other, more magical means. That's why he had his men out searching for a conjurer who'd be able to perform what he needed.

Dain marched with half his troops, meeting up with the other half at the conjurer's home which looked like an abandoned shack. With enough gold, this person was sure to do what the dwarf wished!

Dain eyed the awaiting human conjurer carefully, the man was pasty white with slicked back black hair and cagey eyes.

"I am Dain, lord of the Iron Hills. You know why I seek your help." He spoke, the other nodding simply in answer.

"Should this be enough gold?" The dwarf threw to the other a moderately sized back, filled with over one hundred gold pieces. If this worked, the amount of gold mattered little, he'd have plenty more inside the mountain.

"The amount is sufficient, but to perform the spell you desire, I'll need an organic ingredient from you." The pale man informed the dwarf.

"Like my beard hair?" Dain asked, feeling hesitant.

"No, you wish to procreate, so I need your seed." He was more specific, making the dwarf cough awkwardly.

"There's a jar inside my hut, go inside and fill it, then your desired spell will be able to work properly." The conjurer explained, Dain clearing his throat before walking over to the hut and shutting himself inside.

"Alright, you can do this." He assured himself, finding the jar and thinking it rather large as he started to undo his trousers.

"Think about the hobbit, how her ripe bosoms were so perky and round, how you wished you could ride her hard for being such a tricky, naughty thing!" He talked aloud to excite himself, his appendage beginning to awaken as his hands awkwardly positioned the jar as he began to rub himself up and down.

The smells inside were bothersome, making it difficult for the dwarf to concentrate as he worked at doing as the conjurer had asked. A knocking startled him, the dwarf yelling that he wasn't ready yet.

"Damn _impatient_ bastards." He hissed as he tried once more to concentrate.

-0-0-

When the group of dwarfs finally left, the conjurer smiled and eyed the jar curiously.

"Ah, dwarf semen, a rare and well paid for good to the right buyer." He chuckled, placing it on one of his shelfs. He hadn't really needed the sperm, though the extra money he'd make from selling the jar would be worth quite a pretty penny!

It wasn't an unheard of spell, many men wanted women already taken and asked of his help in seeding them magically. The conjurer didn't realize, though, that Dain's target wasn't a real female. If he had, the man wouldn't have preformed the act, knowing it'd possibly cause complications, and possible death of a male magically impregnated. But, he didn't know, and so the conjurer began his spell, speaking the hobbits name and starting a very very big problem in doing so.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: So here's our ending, which really opens up a whole other door for us to explore. Also, remember when Thorin messed up Bilbo's room? He may or may not have gotten Gandalf's hat by mistake...guess the grumpy wizard gets to find out soon! Haha! So, what will Thorin do now that he's really married to Bilbo? What will he think when his hobbit starts showing signs of a possible pregnancy? Also, Gandalf considers Bilbo's 'on rare occasions male hobbits have babies' all hearsay, treating it as an old wife's tale. So that's his frame of mind on that topic. Thanks for sticking with me! The reading and reviewing has been appreciated!


	12. Chapter 12

**Gandalf's Hat, Thorin's White Lie**

As Gandalf entered the hobbits room, the smell within it gave the wizard a disturbed feeling. His eyes noticed strange stains everywhere within the room, all the book shelves were strangely barren and the bed held no kind of sheet or covers. Trying to get past the weird feeling he was having, Gandalf kept searching until his keen eyes landed on what he was looking for.

His hat, the item he treasured like a limb, was perched upon the hobbits desk. Gandalf triumphantly gripped it, placing it carefully upon his gray head, and then began looking around for a mirror. He had missed wearing his trusted head cover, and wished to look upon himself wearing it.

Seeing no sign of a mirror within the room, he headed out the hall in search of one. He passed by party guests here and there, all seeming to be taken aback at his hats return, for their eyes widened whenever he passed, making him feel more confident and special. He was swaggering in a cocky manner by the time he located a full length mirror, close to the kitchen.

He went to look upon himself, his eyes holding a spark of joy, until he noticed something terribly amiss with his hat. There were strange stains about his precious accessory! What they were from, he could hardly begin to guess.

"Bilbo Baggins!" He called out for everyone to hear, furious that the hobbit hadn't taken better care of his most prized possession.

"Where are you, hobbit?!" He barked, beginning to stomp around the mountain, pushing over any dwarf that got in his way. Bilbo would explain himself, before Gandalf left he had to hear a full blown apology from the little halfling, or things were about to get _ugly_.

-0-0-

Bilbo had been carried into Thorins bed chamber, it was their wedding after all, and the dwarf king was feeling very randy at the moment. With Dain gone he felt relaxed and at ease, as his stocky hands worked at Bilbo's fancy dress.

"I haven't minded the dresses, Bilbo. But I'll be happier seeing you back in trousers." Thorin admitted to his companion, finally getting the dress to fall off Bilbo 's naked form.

"Trousers sound wonderful, but right now I think they'd only hinder what I have in mind." Bilbo playfully teased his dwarf, slipping onto the bed.

"That they would..." Thorin agreed, sliding off his own attire before sinking into the bed, straddling his little hobbit with mischief in his eyes.

The couple had planned on a romantic coupling, what they hadn't foreseen was Gandalf's abrupt entrance into their room.

Thorin was pushed off the hobbit by magic as the wizard marched right up to the hobbit and started demanding answers. He'd taken off his hat and was pointing to the thing, bellowing at Bilbo to tell him what in the world was staining his beloved hat.

As Thorin rose from the ground, nude and completely pissed at the wizards rude interruption, he noticed the stains and felt his cheeks flush. That one evening, when he'd been a naughty dwarf and soiled a bunch of Bilbo's things with his seed, he hadn't given Gandalf's hat a second thought. He had been so angry, that wherever he had pointed his Oakenshield, it got doused in his slimy juices.

Bilbo was still clueless at the moment, having been caught off guard and to be honest the blood that should have been in his head was rushing to another part of him, making it harder to think clearly. They'd been in the middle of something private and Gandalf was just being a cranky old fool.

"Leave the hobbit be, I know where the stains came from." Thorin spoke up, watching as Gandalf turned all his angry attention towards him.

"Tell me then, what is it and how did it happen?" Gandalf ground out his words, holding his staff tightly in one of his wrinkled hands.

In his current frame of mind, would Gandalf go berserk once Thorin owned up to doing the dirty deed? The dwarf king didn't want the wizard harming him with magic when he was openly nude, and incredibly vulnerable. . .

"Dain did it." Thorin lied like a pro, receiving a strange look from Bilbo.

"He was angry about Bilbo refusing to bed him, so while the hobbit stayed with me in my quarters, Dain snuck into Bilbo's empty room and made a mess of things." Thorin began to make up his story, it'd be convincing enough, Dain was an honest to goodness ass hole.

"How? What in the name of all that is holy, made this kind of stain?!" The wizard demanded more, eyeing Thorin carefully.

"Semen." Thorin quickly blurted, he noticed Bilbo was catching on, realizing the lie and remembering how things really went down. Thorin gave him a guarded look, wanting the other to back him up if he needed help with Gandalf believing the tale.

"What?" Gandalf spoke hoarsely, his eyes large and disbelieving.

"Dain was angry, so he took his anger out on Bilbo's things, your hat must have got caught in the crossfire." Thorin easily spun his tale, he was quite good at fibbing with a serious face.

"That _monster_! I'd have kicked him out of this mountain the moment I found out he'd done such an act!" Gandalf howled, "How am I suppose to wear this now that it's been _violated_?!" He was getting glassy eyed, as he looked down upon his hat as if it had been a rape victim.

"Gandalf, can't you just use magic?" Bilbo finally spoke, the wizard sniffed and huffed, mumbling that he supposed Bilbo had a point.

"Still, magic can't change what happened to my...to my poor hat." He sighed, taking his staff and performing a spell in front of the couple.

"There, it looks much better." Bilbo tried making the wizard feel better.

"It'll never be the same, but it will have to do." Gandalf was pouting as he grudgingly placed the thing upon his head once more.

"Well, if that's all, _wizard_, we were in the middle of something private." Thorin tapped his foot impatiently, crossing his arms and watching as the wizard lightly blushed before exiting the room. As Thorin shut the doors, locking them just in case, he heard Bilbo chuckling in bed.

"I can't believe he fell for it." The hobbit was shaking his head, as Thorin began to climb upon the bed, towards his awaiting companion.

"What else was I to do? Telling the truth could have gotten terrible results. All I could picture was Gandalf using magic to take away my manhood, and I don't think _either_ of us would appreciate that." Thorin snuggled in close to his giggling Bilbo, kissing the top of his head sweetly.

"True, though you wouldn't have had that worry if you'd been a little nicer and not completely covered all my things with semen." Bilbo raised a brow at Thorin, still a bit put off when remembering that naughty incident.

"From now on, I'll just save all of it for you, little one." Thorin winked, getting Bilbo to blush as he began kissing the hobbit tenderly. "Now, where were we?"

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: Dain gets the blame for that one! Not that he didn't deserve it, I bet the next time Gandalf see's him, Dain's in for a surprise. A little something for the Misadventure readers out there, while I finish up my long awaited chapter for: Bilbo, You're Worrying Us.


End file.
